How To: Take a Business Trip

I'm finding out this week! I'm in Austin all week for business and unfortunately haven't had much downtime to write a blog. So here are my tips:

1. Even if your company isn't paying for you to stay in a hotel the night before you have to be in a city thats 3.5 hours away, you should probably drive down the night before and just suck up the cost itself. Waking up at 3:30 in the morning so that you can be at an 8:30 meeting is a wee bit brutal. Especially at about 1:00 in the afternoon when you enter a lunch coma. 
2. Get over eating alone quickly. Yep, its just me.
3. Take workout clothes/bathing suit. My hotel has an awesome pool. Haven't gotten there yet. Maybe tomorrow.
4. Bring a book or some form of entertainment for when you end up at dinner by yourself or sitting alone in your hotel room.
5. Make friends with your business contacts. Find out if there are other people in from out of town also and suggest dinner with them. Networking + not eating alone for one meal = WIN.
6. Write blogs about sitting alone at dinner while alone at dinner.
7. Miss the crap out of your dog/boyfriend/bed/friends/house/real life. Probably in that order. Sorry to the BF. At least you were ahead of my bed!

'Til next week!

OH HEY! Did you notice Mishaps passed 9,000 views? I'm so dang proud of myself. I couldn't have done it without you! I mean, I guess I could have if I refreshed my page 9,000 times. But that's outrageous. I'm guessing I've only refreshed it about 1,500 times.

How To: Be the NKOTB

Recently I’ve found myself in an all too familiar situation: I am suddenly suffering from a double dose of New Kid. Certainly by now I should be a pro at this…

My life seems to be shifting quickly in several different directions these past few weeks. I bought a house, left my job and found a new one. All of these things were the right decision for me. I am beyond thrilled by the way it has all turned out except for one teensy weensy itty bitty detail. I DESPISE being the New Kid.

Every time I think about being new somewhere it brings up horrible flashbacks of being new in high school, making my way into the cafeteria, zero friends and at least 30 minutes to sit there feeling alone in a crowd. And I was the New Kid twice in high school. Don’t ever make your kids move junior year… its not fun.

Even without the cafeteria, for some reason being the New Kid always reminds me of Mean Girls. If only I had a Janis to walk me through the jungle that is the cafeteria life as an Almost Adult.

As with all new jobs, getting acquainted with the new standards always puts you on a bit of a learning curve. Like high school, each job has not only its own dress code, rules and etiquette, but its own expectations and you’re walking in blind. Just to be on the safe side, I have a pink shirt picked out to wear today… We wear pink on Wednesdays.

The new neighborhood brings an entirely new set of issues. You might be moving in next to one of those people who are so horribly picky about their yard or a constant noise complainer. So far, its seemed rather uneventful. My across-the-street neighbor even mowed my yard for me. How nice of him! He must have taken pity on me after watching me walk in circles looking for my spigot last week and decided that poor me couldn’t be counted on to take care of my own yard. (Fine by me. His yard looks awesome.)

So how do we handle new kid syndrome?

1. As awkward as it seems, just strike up conversations. It can be about nothing. I sat on my front porch with Brodie awkwardly while several neighbors were out in their yards before I finally got up the courage to just go walk over. Just rip that band-aid off.
2. Instead of waiting for an invitation to join in lunch plans at a new job, make some yourself and invite someone else to join you. Its much easier to control the situation than to sit back and hum "All By Myself."
3. Don't creepily ask your neighbors if they own a lawn service as they park obnoxiously close to your yard. Instead of coming off as inquisitive and interested in business, you might seem weird about people parking in front of your house. (Thank goodness I didn't burn that bridge.)
4. You don't have to be best friends with all of your neighbors or coworkers, but it definitely helps to be on friendly terms. Make sure to smile and participate in conversation rather than be the awkward, lonely kid.
5. Be ready to take the back seat. This is not your time to shine - just play follow the leader before you strike out on your own and steal the spotlight.
6. Its time to be on your best behavior. Make your neighbors and coworkers glad that you're the one who's new.
7. Keep an optimistic attitude. Pretty soon your new-ness will wear off.

Clear the way party people, I'm the New Kid on the Block.
::crosses arms like Donnie::

How To: Play Catch Up

To say I’ve been busy might be the understatement of the year. First off, let me apologize for my lax attitude towards Mishaps these past few weeks. I have had my plate piled entirely too high (as I’m sure you can tell from the “handling stress”-type posts lately) and am working on whittling it down.

I sat down to think about what to write this week and decided, rather than picking any of the plethora of subjects that relate to my life right now, I owed you an explanation of my recent Mishaps.

As you all know, I’ve been working on buying a house. Exciting news! Mishaps of an Almost Adult now has a brand-spanking-new headquarters, complete with its very own OFFICE to write all of this insightful and hilarious advice for you. Who knows. Maybe I'll even write a book now.

Being a stereotypical first-time homeowner, I pictured everything in its place and was SO excited. Upon entering my 1955 house for the first time all alone, I realized I had just bought a 66-year-old house. Hm. It wasn’t quite as pretty as I remembered it when it was cutely decorated. Standing there in this big (little) empty house, I was slightly overwhelmed. I walked around the house, got stuck in the bathroom (that door is just plain weird), tried unsuccessfully to open a few different windows, and finally just decided to start with the patio. What could be wrong with a patio?

I did, no joke, FOUR LAPS around my house looking for the water spigot. At this point my new neighbors were standing in their driveways watching me open and close the garage door, walking in circles with Brodie at my heels with I’m sure a look on my face that was half confused, half frustrated. I had an entire 30-minute conversation with my dad on the phone asking if he remembered seeing one, then about the spelling of spigot (he was right, I was way off), and then finally estimating the cost of adding one. Why would I have a hose but no spigot? This made zero sense. What. The. Poop. This house was officially WEIRD.

I finally found the spigot, hooked up my hose, of course ended up drenching myself, hosed off the patio, pulled out my new patio chairs and collapsed into it. Things seem to be going in this pattern, but I’m chugging along. I currently have paint all over me: legs, hands, elbows, even on my forehead. Beats me. Don’t ask.

All of this has been an excellent distraction for me these past few days from my real source of stress. I quit my job this week. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made, but it was past time and I needed to move on.

The timing of my job heading south lately was entwined so tightly with me getting my house that I was on the verge of a Stage Five Meltdown for the past several weeks. I’m not sure what stages One through Four would be, but I’m talking head-between-your-knees, crying hysterically over lost keys in the middle of your parents kitchen type meltdown.

I am grateful for the opportunity I had over the past year, for the friends I made there, and most importantly, for giving me the means to make my dream of homeownership a possibility.

The best news is though, I am starting a new chapter of Mishaps. I am beyond excited about the future. In the meantime, here's some things I've learned lately.

1. Latex paint claims to wash off with soap and water. My arm can attest that this is not as easy as it sounds.
2. Be nice to your neighbors. They might happen to own a lawn service and can help you out.
3. Apartment dogs have zero idea what to do with a backyard.
4. Spigots apparently don't have to be attached to the house, and might be under an insulator bag  that resembles a sleeping bag for a garden gnome. 
5. Make friends at the nearest Home Depot.
6. Its beneficial to have a friend who drives a pick-up truck.
7. I have the best family and friends ever. 

Mishaps of an Almost Adult HQ

How To: Get an Office Attire A+

Okay so today’s article has been an ongoing topic in my head for a long time. This entire entry needs to be taken with a big ol’ grain of salt, maybe a slice of lime and a shot of tequila. I am expressing my opinion by being sarcastic and exaggerating to make a point. If you work with me currently or have in the past, please do not assume that anything I say is in reference to you, but has been collected over time and people watching while on lunch breaks, rather than solely taken from my office. On that note…

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

There is just about nothing I love more than a good people watching session. I have come to the conclusion that the food court attached to the building I work in is one of my favorite spots to sit for an hour and allow my staring problem to be at full capacity. 

You’d think that working in a downtown office, you’d be surrounded by people in suits, skirts, dresses, etc… Turns out the term “business casual” is all casual, no business. 

No story needed. Lets just cut to the chase. As long as you keep these following rules in mind, you should earn at least a passing grade in Office Attire: 

1. There’s no such thing as “Bootylicious Business.” I’m all for figure-flattering outfits, but if you could wear it to The Club, its not appropriate for The Office. Leave those neon pink stilettos in your closet, or better yet, the store you originally saw them in. 
2. If your animal print might cause you to be confused with the actual animal… Do I really need to finish this rule? Mysterious Zebra Lady in the Kentucky Fried Chicken line, I apologize for being such a creeper. I can't tell whether her outfit is blurry from the amount of stripes or how hard i was shaking trying not to laugh out loud while taking this picture.
3. Just because your shirt has buttons down the front does not qualify it as a Button Down. Any appearance of “stressed” fabric or your preference for Saturday morning cartoons cancels out qualifications that those buttons might have given that shirt. 
4. This one’s for the boys. As my friend Brian would say: Short Sleeve Button Down = Short Career. Or at least nixes any chance of a door to your office in your future. Yay cubes! 
5. There’s a difference between thrift shopping and what you could have worn to an 80’s themed frat party in college. Better yet, if you could apply it to any themed party, it’s probably not a good option for work. 
6. Just because your pants are black doesn’t mean they’re business slacks. Hey hey, I rhymed! But seriously. The amount of Spandex in pants directly correlates to how business appropriate they are. Not all black pants are slimming. 
7. And now. The grand finale of office wear no-heck-no’s, Jeans Casual Friday. Ripped, shredded, destroyed, tattered, or altogether holey; No. Fuzzy, furry, fringey, almost-chaps; Heck no. If you’re wondering how any of those last adjectives apply to jeans, trust me. You’re better off not knowing. 

If after reading these rules you are questioning previous wardrobe choices you might have made, use the Refrigerator Rule. 

When In Doubt, Throw It Out. 

Feel free to glance to your left and right to check out your coworker’s outfits today. I apologize if they’re staring at you weird due to the look on your face as you’re trying not to laugh out loud.

How To: Have Proper Office Party Etiquette

If you're thinking Dundie's, a Chili's restaurant with a microphone, and "second drink" here, we're on the same page. That's right; it’s the time of year for the Office Party. And I'm not talking about the drinking game that several of my friends and I invented in college to go along with a The Office marathon watch party. (Every time you hear "Big Tuna" take a drink. Every time Jim Halpert does a camera stare, take a drink. Every time Michael Scott says "That's what she said.” take a drink.)

Here is an appropriate story about exactly what NOT to do as experienced by my best friend Colby:

My boyfriend came home one afternoon with exciting news. The bank he works for was having a Christmas party and I was invited. Normally, this would be accompanied with a "greaaaaat" and a fake smile. Turns out, the bank had bought two box suites for a Sunday evening Trans Siberian Orchestra concert as their Christmas party - they wanted to change it up from the usual drab hors- doeuvres meet and greet to something a little more upbeat (literally). After discovering this exciting turn of events, I made sure I was showered, dressed appropriately, and ready to put on my best smile and big girl charm I know is buried down there somewhere.

When we arrived at the venue I was instantly a shoe-in for Favorite Plus One. Bringing up the bottom end of this category was Luke's co-worker's husband. Not only was it a Sunday, but it was 6:30pm, and he was TANKED. (Maybe he played Aimee's The Office Marathon game all day?) Completely disheveled in appearance was the least of the icks - his breathed had the odor of a men's bathroom, and being Irish (this is Boston, after all), had the mindset of a 14-year-old boy in heat - with his baby mama standing right there - claaaassyy.

Here are the immediate No No's from this evening: He had gone out to the bar and drank only shots prior to the show (no no #1). He continued to drink during the show without eating (no no #2). He grabbed every female's ass including the bank president’s wife (no no #3). If that's not enough, he fell asleep halfway throughout the concert... cherry on top. And slightly impressive through a semi-techno concert.

Although your next (or maybe first) office party as an Almost Adult may not be emceed by Michael Scott and probably less awesome than a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert, there are certain rules that should be followed at ALL office parties. (They're so vitally important I'm going above and beyond my normal 7 tips and giving you 10. You'll be so prepared!)

1. Check your invitation for directions on appropriate attire. If your party is on a week day directly after work, business attire is always appropriate. If on the weekends, you have a little bit of extra leeway. HOWEVER, if the invitation says "business attire OR festive attire" - festive attire by no means equals "what I wore to the Ugly Sweater party junior year of college." No blinking antlers please.
2. If the food that is being served is listed as hors-d'oeuvres, that means APPETIZER. This is not a meal. Do not load your plate so high you can't tell what you're eating. For those of us that still have the "Free food tastes best" mindset, feel free to go back as many times as you want, but be able to see the bottom of your plate on every trip.
3. Speaking of tripping, lets talk alcohol. Do you become clumsy when drunk? Have you accidentally said something you shouldn't have while intoxicated? Does your voice get louder in direct proportion to the amount of drinks you've had? Do you enjoy having a job? If you said yes to any of these, two drink maximum. (If you happen to have an upper respiratory infection, maybe stick to water. Your equilibrium is already shot.)
4. If your party allows for a Plus One, pick a suitable one. Their behavior is a reflection of you, so avoid any and all persons that might do any of the above "No Nos" Colby listed. Fly solo if you must. Its not like you aren't alone at the office every other day of the year, who cares for one more night.
5. Office parties are a great opportunity to have a conversation with some of the upper management in your office. However, don't brown-nose. There is no need to suck up to your managers, but feel free to have a polite conversation with them. Say something that they might remember you by, and then walk away. Leave them thinking, "I'm so glad that Aimee works here. She's so nice. And I loved her festive but appropriate green silk shirt!"
6. Mingle with co-workers you don't always talk to. If you are friends with some of your co-workers outside of the office, sure, its fine to stay with them most of the time, but go outside your clique and make some new friends. After all, this is a party with your employer, not a party with your friends.
7. If there is some kind of game, karaoke, or dancing at your party, it is acceptable to participate and even encouraged. However, at no point in time should you have the spotlight. This is not a dance/sing off. There is no million dollar question. Leave your competitive side at home.
8. If you happened to not follow Rule No. 3 and find yourself over-served, at no point in time is it okay to tell anyone other than your Plus One that you are, in fact, intoxicated. Go find your coat, hand your keys to your Plus One, and politely tell everyone you will see them at work.
9.  If the party has a designated time, it is okay to be fashionably late. HOWEVER, it is not okay to be shutting the party down. If you haven't left by the designated "ending time," grab your stuff and head for the door.
10.  Never, ever, ever poke fun at the chosen venue/caterer/DJ, etc. For all you know, it could be your capital partner's favorite hang-out. Heck, they might even own it. Unless you are a master at scarcastic, yet seemingly sincere, comments, keep them to yourself.

The two most important words are right in the title. Office. Party. This is your job. Try to have fun. But this is still your job.

How To: Call for your own Whambulance

Okay, so apparently its becoming a trend that I post on Fridays as well as Wednesdays. However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write this extra post because its something all of us will deal with at some point in time, and I am this week.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

I'm sick. And it sucks. I don't have enough sick days accrued at my job currently so here I am, sitting at my desk, hacking up a lung. I see the evil eyes of everyone in the cubes around me as they stare at me and my now germ-infested desk. Relax everybody. I'm not contagious.  No matter how many self-deprecating jokes I make about how dumb my voice sounds or how annoyed I am with my own coughing, there's no denying it. I'm miserable and would rather be at home.

See, here's the problem. No one likes a complainer. Not me. Not you. Not your coworkers. Not your boss. No one. There is also nothing else quite as satisfying as telling someone that you feel like complete and utter scheisse. Excuse my German.

Monday morning I woke up with my usual Weekly Dread, only to find out I also needed to brush up on my miming skills... I had lost my voice. What the poo? I was fine the night before and now POOF! Its gone. I got up, went to work, and all day could just feel myself tanking, getting worse and worse.

I am fortunate enough to have insurance with my job and decided it was time to test drive my unbelievably expensive health care plan. Tuesday morning, I called work, told them I was going to the doctor and would be in later. It was time to find out if I had step throat, the flu, a cold, bronchitis, the black lung, bubonic plague, etc.

I had already decided if I was contagious, I was going to bite the bullet and stay home like a responsible adult, even sans sick days. If I wasn't contagious, it was time to stick it out and put on my wedgie-inducing big kid pants. Turns out: laryngitis. Not contagious. Scheisse, once again.

Opportunity after opportunity presented itself to tell others just how miserable I was with everyone asking how I'm feeling. Somehow I feel its not quite appropriate for me to say, "Well, I feel like I'm dying, but thanks for asking," in my raspy, not-quite-returned voice. So I just kind of smile and say, "I'm okay," while coughing my way back to my desk. I'm getting tired of this adult crap, and there's an inner three-year-old in me just begging to come out and have a temper tantrum screaming, "I just wanna go hooooooooooome."

So here are this week's tips:

1. Suck it up. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off. Pick your favorite expression.
2. If you think you might have something contagious, do us all a favor and go home.
3. If you're not the sick one but your cubicle neighbor is, avoid any snotty comments (pun intended) about them being sick. Believe me. They're completely aware of how obnoxious they're being.
4. Use self-deprecating humor to pretend you're okay. If you happen to sound like a pre-pubescent boy with your voice cracking every five seconds, even better.
5. Invest in cough drops, DayQuil, vitamin C, anything you can get your hands on that might help.
6. Make sure you are conscious of the people around you. When you're working in a huge office like mine, yeah, its gross when someone else is sick. Everyone knows it. So cover your mouth, wash your hands, etc.
7. When all else fails, call your mom. She's the only one who its completely okay to whine and complain to and more than likely, she'll still love you anyway.

My whambulance should be here any minute.