How To: Find 50 First Dates

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

Ooooooooooh, dating. How I despise you. In movies, we see people meet at work or on the train, in line at the grocery store, walking the dog, shopping, the list goes on. I think it would be great if Brodie would go all Marmaduke on me; drag me down the street, accurately locating a gorgeous 20-something, tangle us together 101 Dalmatians style, turning my story into a real life rom-com. Seeing as how that more than likely won't happen, I think perhaps I should put a little more effort into finding my own date.

Sure, I've been set up by friends and met guys at bars but nothing has seemed to pan out too well so far. My biggest problem seems to be that most of my friends all run in the same circle, so I don't have a ton of outside connections. I needed to expand my search categories to include more prospects. Besides just walking up to attractive strangers, which, let's face it, I'd never be brave enough to do, it was time to try out online dating.

From an outside perspective, I can see both immediate ups and downs to the world of online dating. There's the risk of meeting a total stranger, but that risk kind of goes for all first dates in general. A blind date is a blind date regardless if your friend swears he's suuuuuuuper nice or not. There's also the possibility that someone could misrepresent themselves in a profile. Personally, I feel like that would be a lot of wasted effort on any one's part... Ok, so sure, you convince me to go out with you, but when I get there and your stated 6'0" self is, in fact, 5'6", and your pictures were clearly taken several years ago in what must have been really good lighting, your second date shot is blown, so where is the advantage in lying right out of the gate? Both negatives were outweighed to me by the chance to meet men in the surrounding area that I might otherwise never run into.

Per my reasoning above, I'd convinced myself it was worth a shot and I signed up for Match. At first its overwhelming and kind of fun! Its like shopping, except for boys (its pretty much an online catalog for men.) You can do an advanced search and put in all sorts of information about what you want in your perfect match and then search through only the profiles who meet your exact criteria. Well, this I could handle. However, as I got to reading these Mr. Perfect profiles, they were anything but. 

Right off the bat, I have advice for my fellow online dating users.

1. Please please please use spell check. By about the fifth "typo" I'm done reading. You sound dumb.
2. If your only picture is a group shot of you and your fellow dude-bros, unless you intend on drawing in a large arrow pointing to yourself, pick another picture.
3. I'd prefer to not see a picture of you with some girl (or opposite for girls... dur). Who is this? Your ex-girlfriend? I'm not Southwest Airlines. I don't take baggage for free.
4. 

   Any email that starts with "How was your weekend?" comes off more like Joey Tribbiani's "How you doin'?" Insert a raised eyebrow, and then a large eye roll on my part.
5. Write enough in your profile so that a potential match might find something you have in common or interesting about you to discuss in an email.
6. Be honest. Have some close friends proof-read your profile for you, see if they think it accurately represents you.
7. Have confidence. You may not get replies back from everybody you had hoped, but obviously that means that they're not good enough for you and probably a little stuck up. Who wants that anyway?

I tried it for a while, went on lots of first dates, a few second dates, and ended up getting two relationships out of my time on Match. After a while though, it kind of seemed more like a local bar that you see the same people at, time in and time out. The entire experience was worth it for one legendary story.

The second first date I ever went on while using Match was with a police officer I will refer to as R. Shortly after joining Match, I received an email from R that caught me more than a little off guard. The way Match used to be set up, you selected preferences that you either liked or didn't like and it displayed them on your profile. R's email to me was written as if he was all of the things I didn't like, and accusing me of being biased against all of those things and would I never date anyone like him or even give him a shot because of those particular things? The further into the email I read, the more uncomfortable I got. Maybe I was being too harsh on people. And when would this email be over?

 At the very end, it was followed by a "Just kidding." ... the entire email was made up just to poke fun at my list of "don't likes." I laughed (albeit, uncomfortably) and decided he at least deserved a response for coming up with something definitely more original than my favorite, "How was your weekend?" After making me laugh several more times throughout our correspondence, I agreed to meet R for dinner the following week. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a sarcastic personality.

Seeing as how R's and my conversation started, I should have known that this was going to be a date to go down in history. I arrived at the steakhouse R had chosen and saw him waiting for me. After polite small talk while waiting for our table, we were seated and it all began to unravel quickly.

In order to explain this next dialogue, I'm creating a key so that you readers get an accurate visual image of how this date went. When you see a *bold* word, please insert air quotes around it. Like little Horned Frogs for my fellow TCUers, finger quotes, whatever you want to call them. Anything in italics means that I'm thinking this to myself, not actually said out loud. Here we go.

R: "So, you like to *play* golf?"

Me: I'm confused, is he implying that I don't really like to play golf?

       "I do. I play with my dad a lot of weekends."

R: "Well that's fun, what else do you *like* to do?"

Me: Still confused
       "Well, I love to go see my family in Colorado and go skiing in the winter."

R: "Are you a good *skier*?"

Me: What is up with the air quotes?

       "I guess so, yeah, my Grand-daddy taught me to ski when I was three, so I've skied my whole life."

R: "Does your whole family *ski*?"

Me: Maybe this is like a nervous tick or something

       "Yes, we all do, although my sister-in-law snowboards, not skis."

R: "That sounds fun. Do you *go* every year?"

Me: What if I just reach across the table and bat his hands out of the air next time?

        "Yes, we try to."

R: "Well I can't play golf or ski. Have you ever *tried* frisbee golf?"

Me: I need a flight attendant. Where is my nearest exit?

       "No I haven't."

Within 20 minutes, I'm pretty positive I had developed an eye twitch. Every time he raised his hands off the table I flinched a little, bracing myself for the continued excessive misuse of air quotes. After an hour, I practically sprinted to my car. It was one of the most painful (and hilarious, after the eye twitch had subsided) first dates I have ever been on.

If you're still thinking about maybe trying out online dating, I say go for it. Keep an open mind and take it at face value, an introduction to all sorts of people you wouldn't have otherwise met. Even if you don't find exactly what you're looking for, at the very least, it'll help you know what you DON'T want in a future partner. For me, that would be excessive air quoters. Can't do it. My eye just started twitching again thinking about it.