How To: Get an Office Attire A+

Okay so today’s article has been an ongoing topic in my head for a long time. This entire entry needs to be taken with a big ol’ grain of salt, maybe a slice of lime and a shot of tequila. I am expressing my opinion by being sarcastic and exaggerating to make a point. If you work with me currently or have in the past, please do not assume that anything I say is in reference to you, but has been collected over time and people watching while on lunch breaks, rather than solely taken from my office. On that note…

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

There is just about nothing I love more than a good people watching session. I have come to the conclusion that the food court attached to the building I work in is one of my favorite spots to sit for an hour and allow my staring problem to be at full capacity. 

You’d think that working in a downtown office, you’d be surrounded by people in suits, skirts, dresses, etc… Turns out the term “business casual” is all casual, no business. 

No story needed. Lets just cut to the chase. As long as you keep these following rules in mind, you should earn at least a passing grade in Office Attire: 

1. There’s no such thing as “Bootylicious Business.” I’m all for figure-flattering outfits, but if you could wear it to The Club, its not appropriate for The Office. Leave those neon pink stilettos in your closet, or better yet, the store you originally saw them in. 
2. If your animal print might cause you to be confused with the actual animal… Do I really need to finish this rule? Mysterious Zebra Lady in the Kentucky Fried Chicken line, I apologize for being such a creeper. I can't tell whether her outfit is blurry from the amount of stripes or how hard i was shaking trying not to laugh out loud while taking this picture.
3. Just because your shirt has buttons down the front does not qualify it as a Button Down. Any appearance of “stressed” fabric or your preference for Saturday morning cartoons cancels out qualifications that those buttons might have given that shirt. 
4. This one’s for the boys. As my friend Brian would say: Short Sleeve Button Down = Short Career. Or at least nixes any chance of a door to your office in your future. Yay cubes! 
5. There’s a difference between thrift shopping and what you could have worn to an 80’s themed frat party in college. Better yet, if you could apply it to any themed party, it’s probably not a good option for work. 
6. Just because your pants are black doesn’t mean they’re business slacks. Hey hey, I rhymed! But seriously. The amount of Spandex in pants directly correlates to how business appropriate they are. Not all black pants are slimming. 
7. And now. The grand finale of office wear no-heck-no’s, Jeans Casual Friday. Ripped, shredded, destroyed, tattered, or altogether holey; No. Fuzzy, furry, fringey, almost-chaps; Heck no. If you’re wondering how any of those last adjectives apply to jeans, trust me. You’re better off not knowing. 

If after reading these rules you are questioning previous wardrobe choices you might have made, use the Refrigerator Rule. 

When In Doubt, Throw It Out. 

Feel free to glance to your left and right to check out your coworker’s outfits today. I apologize if they’re staring at you weird due to the look on your face as you’re trying not to laugh out loud.