How To: Call for your own Whambulance

Okay, so apparently its becoming a trend that I post on Fridays as well as Wednesdays. However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write this extra post because its something all of us will deal with at some point in time, and I am this week.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

I'm sick. And it sucks. I don't have enough sick days accrued at my job currently so here I am, sitting at my desk, hacking up a lung. I see the evil eyes of everyone in the cubes around me as they stare at me and my now germ-infested desk. Relax everybody. I'm not contagious.  No matter how many self-deprecating jokes I make about how dumb my voice sounds or how annoyed I am with my own coughing, there's no denying it. I'm miserable and would rather be at home.

See, here's the problem. No one likes a complainer. Not me. Not you. Not your coworkers. Not your boss. No one. There is also nothing else quite as satisfying as telling someone that you feel like complete and utter scheisse. Excuse my German.

Monday morning I woke up with my usual Weekly Dread, only to find out I also needed to brush up on my miming skills... I had lost my voice. What the poo? I was fine the night before and now POOF! Its gone. I got up, went to work, and all day could just feel myself tanking, getting worse and worse.

I am fortunate enough to have insurance with my job and decided it was time to test drive my unbelievably expensive health care plan. Tuesday morning, I called work, told them I was going to the doctor and would be in later. It was time to find out if I had step throat, the flu, a cold, bronchitis, the black lung, bubonic plague, etc.

I had already decided if I was contagious, I was going to bite the bullet and stay home like a responsible adult, even sans sick days. If I wasn't contagious, it was time to stick it out and put on my wedgie-inducing big kid pants. Turns out: laryngitis. Not contagious. Scheisse, once again.

Opportunity after opportunity presented itself to tell others just how miserable I was with everyone asking how I'm feeling. Somehow I feel its not quite appropriate for me to say, "Well, I feel like I'm dying, but thanks for asking," in my raspy, not-quite-returned voice. So I just kind of smile and say, "I'm okay," while coughing my way back to my desk. I'm getting tired of this adult crap, and there's an inner three-year-old in me just begging to come out and have a temper tantrum screaming, "I just wanna go hooooooooooome."

So here are this week's tips:

1. Suck it up. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off. Pick your favorite expression.
2. If you think you might have something contagious, do us all a favor and go home.
3. If you're not the sick one but your cubicle neighbor is, avoid any snotty comments (pun intended) about them being sick. Believe me. They're completely aware of how obnoxious they're being.
4. Use self-deprecating humor to pretend you're okay. If you happen to sound like a pre-pubescent boy with your voice cracking every five seconds, even better.
5. Invest in cough drops, DayQuil, vitamin C, anything you can get your hands on that might help.
6. Make sure you are conscious of the people around you. When you're working in a huge office like mine, yeah, its gross when someone else is sick. Everyone knows it. So cover your mouth, wash your hands, etc.
7. When all else fails, call your mom. She's the only one who its completely okay to whine and complain to and more than likely, she'll still love you anyway.

My whambulance should be here any minute.