How To: Have Proper Office Party Etiquette

If you're thinking Dundie's, a Chili's restaurant with a microphone, and "second drink" here, we're on the same page. That's right; it’s the time of year for the Office Party. And I'm not talking about the drinking game that several of my friends and I invented in college to go along with a The Office marathon watch party. (Every time you hear "Big Tuna" take a drink. Every time Jim Halpert does a camera stare, take a drink. Every time Michael Scott says "That's what she said.” take a drink.)

Here is an appropriate story about exactly what NOT to do as experienced by my best friend Colby:

My boyfriend came home one afternoon with exciting news. The bank he works for was having a Christmas party and I was invited. Normally, this would be accompanied with a "greaaaaat" and a fake smile. Turns out, the bank had bought two box suites for a Sunday evening Trans Siberian Orchestra concert as their Christmas party - they wanted to change it up from the usual drab hors- doeuvres meet and greet to something a little more upbeat (literally). After discovering this exciting turn of events, I made sure I was showered, dressed appropriately, and ready to put on my best smile and big girl charm I know is buried down there somewhere.

When we arrived at the venue I was instantly a shoe-in for Favorite Plus One. Bringing up the bottom end of this category was Luke's co-worker's husband. Not only was it a Sunday, but it was 6:30pm, and he was TANKED. (Maybe he played Aimee's The Office Marathon game all day?) Completely disheveled in appearance was the least of the icks - his breathed had the odor of a men's bathroom, and being Irish (this is Boston, after all), had the mindset of a 14-year-old boy in heat - with his baby mama standing right there - claaaassyy.

Here are the immediate No No's from this evening: He had gone out to the bar and drank only shots prior to the show (no no #1). He continued to drink during the show without eating (no no #2). He grabbed every female's ass including the bank president’s wife (no no #3). If that's not enough, he fell asleep halfway throughout the concert... cherry on top. And slightly impressive through a semi-techno concert.

Although your next (or maybe first) office party as an Almost Adult may not be emceed by Michael Scott and probably less awesome than a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert, there are certain rules that should be followed at ALL office parties. (They're so vitally important I'm going above and beyond my normal 7 tips and giving you 10. You'll be so prepared!)

1. Check your invitation for directions on appropriate attire. If your party is on a week day directly after work, business attire is always appropriate. If on the weekends, you have a little bit of extra leeway. HOWEVER, if the invitation says "business attire OR festive attire" - festive attire by no means equals "what I wore to the Ugly Sweater party junior year of college." No blinking antlers please.
2. If the food that is being served is listed as hors-d'oeuvres, that means APPETIZER. This is not a meal. Do not load your plate so high you can't tell what you're eating. For those of us that still have the "Free food tastes best" mindset, feel free to go back as many times as you want, but be able to see the bottom of your plate on every trip.
3. Speaking of tripping, lets talk alcohol. Do you become clumsy when drunk? Have you accidentally said something you shouldn't have while intoxicated? Does your voice get louder in direct proportion to the amount of drinks you've had? Do you enjoy having a job? If you said yes to any of these, two drink maximum. (If you happen to have an upper respiratory infection, maybe stick to water. Your equilibrium is already shot.)
4. If your party allows for a Plus One, pick a suitable one. Their behavior is a reflection of you, so avoid any and all persons that might do any of the above "No Nos" Colby listed. Fly solo if you must. Its not like you aren't alone at the office every other day of the year, who cares for one more night.
5. Office parties are a great opportunity to have a conversation with some of the upper management in your office. However, don't brown-nose. There is no need to suck up to your managers, but feel free to have a polite conversation with them. Say something that they might remember you by, and then walk away. Leave them thinking, "I'm so glad that Aimee works here. She's so nice. And I loved her festive but appropriate green silk shirt!"
6. Mingle with co-workers you don't always talk to. If you are friends with some of your co-workers outside of the office, sure, its fine to stay with them most of the time, but go outside your clique and make some new friends. After all, this is a party with your employer, not a party with your friends.
7. If there is some kind of game, karaoke, or dancing at your party, it is acceptable to participate and even encouraged. However, at no point in time should you have the spotlight. This is not a dance/sing off. There is no million dollar question. Leave your competitive side at home.
8. If you happened to not follow Rule No. 3 and find yourself over-served, at no point in time is it okay to tell anyone other than your Plus One that you are, in fact, intoxicated. Go find your coat, hand your keys to your Plus One, and politely tell everyone you will see them at work.
9.  If the party has a designated time, it is okay to be fashionably late. HOWEVER, it is not okay to be shutting the party down. If you haven't left by the designated "ending time," grab your stuff and head for the door.
10.  Never, ever, ever poke fun at the chosen venue/caterer/DJ, etc. For all you know, it could be your capital partner's favorite hang-out. Heck, they might even own it. Unless you are a master at scarcastic, yet seemingly sincere, comments, keep them to yourself.

The two most important words are right in the title. Office. Party. This is your job. Try to have fun. But this is still your job.