How To: Be a Long-Distance Friend

Happy Birthday to me! I have the best friends ever. Their birthday present to me this year was a guest post, so here's what they had to say.

BRAD

Weren't we attractive? Oh middle school.

For over half my life, I've had the pleasure of calling Aimee one of my best friends. Ever since the day we met, it seemed like we just clicked. Maybe it was because I finally found someone who would talk more than me. Maybe it was because I was afraid she’d beat me up since she was about a foot taller than me. It was probably a combination of several different things but, never the less, we became close. We were some of the most awkward kids in the 8th grade but we definitely thought we were the coolest. I'm sure we didn't help our case by making what we thought were witty jokes that seemed to only make us laugh.

Turning the clock forward a little closer to the present, we are closer now than when we lived up the street from one another. Aimee always fell in that category of people that I could go months without talking to and, when we finally would get the chance, it was like we had spoken the day before. I remember when Jen (my now wife) and I started dating, she was pretty jealous of our friendship. I think it was partly because there was another girl in my life who, for all intensive purposes, was my go-to-girl. Jen would always tell me that she was worried that when she finally met her, Aimee wouldn't like her. She would always give me funny looks when we would talk on the phone and, as we were hanging up, I would say, “Love you babe! Bye!"

As it turns out, the day they finally met was actually two days before mine and Jen's wedding. I remember how nervous she was as we drove to the restaurant to meet up with Aimee, Catherine, and Colby. (you’ll meet them after me, I was here first, so I get to go first.) From the second they hugged, they are both huggers so it wasn't weird, it seemed as though they had been friends for almost as long and Aimee and I. (Probably due to how much one had to hear about the other) By the end of the dinner, they were even planning a girl’s weekend without me! As we were leaving, Jen said to me, “I can’t believe I was ever worried about not getting along with her! She is so awesome!” I simply replied, “Now you know why I love her so much.”

I feel like before they met, Jen just accepted the fact that I would say, “Love you” to Aimee when we would talk on the phone or text. Now, after meeting each other and seeing what a great person she is, I think Jen fully understands why I say it. She’s the only other woman in my life besides my wife (and mother/mother-in-law/other significant female family members) that makes me want to tell her that I love her and mean it every time.

Aimee, you are the best friend someone could ask for and I can’t wait to share the rest of my life with you too. Happy Birthday!

CATHERINE

Freshman year of High School. Super cute, huh?

 Not only are we 25 now, but Aimee and I have been best friends for ten years.  During the course of a decade I've learned some great things from her, and the main thing is that all you need in life in that one friend who'll listen to you bitch about something stupid, make you laugh out loud at inappropriate moments, and who will talk you in to public humiliation.

I met Aimee on our first day of high school.  Aimee had just moved to Indiana, and I was starting at a new school.  So there we sat in an Honors English class (how I ended up in there I couldn’t tell you), when our teacher uttered the two most dreaded words for any awkward, friendless, new student.  Group project.  Being the two new kids, Mrs. Bowling, bless her, put the two of us together, and that was that.

The one project turned into many over the course of the year, each one somehow more mortifying then the last.  Perhaps the best (or worst) project happened when the class was asked to re-enact a scene from Romeo and Juliet.  Immediately there seems to be trouble there for us to be partners, but we figured out that we could do one scene together- the fight scene.

So one evening we were figuring out how best to do this, and decided that it would be hilarious to make it a modern day fight in a gym.  So we asked Aimee’s mother to grab the video camera (we should’ve known that if we weren’t willing to do this live, recording it wasn’t a good alternative).  Now to give you a little visual of this, let’s just say the scene involved Sock-em-Boppers, treadmills, and a complete blooper reel.  Sad to say the teacher kept it.  To this day I am mortified that this tape is out there somewhere.

This was just one of many a hilarious, embarassing, and unforgettable memory of my best friend. So in answer to those snobby girls in high school- "I have friend! ..And she's pretty awesome."

Happy birthday Aimee.  I am geniunely afraid of the story I’ll post for your 35th.

COLBY

Freshman year of college...
Colby's first trip to Texas.

Let me start this off by saying I have THE worst memory EVER. I tend to forget large chunks of my life; maybe for my benefit, I don't know. So not to sound like a terrible friend I really needed to dig deep on this one. I don't remember officially meeting Aimee, no seriously, and don't I sound like a jerk saying that?! But I don't, I don't know if it was move-in day, a week later, or even a month later, but to me, that part doesn't matter. The parts that came after do.

My favorite part of having Aimee freshman year at Bentley was that she had the same taste for life I did. I preferred eating my entire medium thin crust Dominos pizza, so did Aimee. I preferred two extra shots in my margarita, so did Aimee. Aimee also came prepared for such events, she had a blender; however we did have to turn up the music so to drown out the crunch of ice and whirring sound that followed. Aimee also has the same love for movies I do, resulting in entire conversations in movie quotes. People get annoyed by it; I say watch Brother Bear and join in!

Aimee was also blessed, as a freshman, to have had a motor vehicle on campus. AWESOME. We'd take trips to Target, blasting country music the whole way. She still likes to brag that she expanded my country pallet beyond the ever popular Kenny Chesney. And yes, I think his tractor is very sexy. This gorgeous red Jeep had the unfortunate experience of coming in close contact with a Bentley dumpster; “Ahh! Salam and good evening to you worthy friend. Please, please come closer. Too close! A little too close.” A typical Bentley retard decided to go the wrong way in a one way – this never ends well. The dumpster’s handle scraped down the passenger side of the Jeep as Aimee veered around the idiot. Making light of the situation, we got to have an annunciation lesson as we drove down I95 to the collision center. Listening to Aimee try and pronounce the town names as we went was priceless: Ponkapoag, Peabody(not as easy as it looks), Worcester, Gloucester and various others.

Getting back to my brain devoid of memories, I don’t remember the day Aimee told me she wasn’t coming back to Bentley. As a woman in love, I was in denial. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person and here she was, up and leaving me. Silly me for thinking this magnificent creature didn’t share my vast emotions. We were married spring of Sophomore year and had a fabulous honeymoon in Florida (at my grandparent’s condo but hey, no hotel costs!) It was there I got to show off my fantastic driving skills. Aimee and I even made up a song (to be sung to the tune of Hellogoodbye’s Here In Your Arms):

“I like, where we are, when we drive, in your golf cart. I like, where we are, here. Where you are the one, the one, who sits next to me. Whispers, “Hello, you’re driving quite terribly.” I fell right out, when you turned so suddenly. But there’s no place I’d rather be but here in your golf cart.”

I think it’s safe to say, I drove her crazy. My Aimsicle and I (now that we were married, a pet name seemed appropriate) spent our days sunbathing, playing Wii, and gossiping about boys; my current boyfriend was also in Florida for Spring Break and had invited another lady as his guest (our love lives are beyond complicated).

The next three years were rough, being newlyweds and all, we didn’t see each other. We were both busy finishing school, getting a job, keeping that job, buying our babies, trying to figure out the meaning of being an “adult”.

Then, a MIRACLE happened. NEW YORK CITY – the city of lights – brought us back together again. Aimee and her “friends of the ages” all met in one location for a weekend of chaos. We drank margaritas which we’re convinced were made with grain alcohol, crashed a Lord of the Rings party, held the Statue of Liberty in our hands, shopped, and walked our boots off. After that, Aimee and I vowed to never go more than six months between visits.

The next one was Nashville, TN. I was her date (naturally) for her ex-boyfriend’s wedding (HEY BRAD!). This event was most memorable and down-right side-splitting. But that story needs its own post so I’ll let Aimee tell that one (also my brain is story-telling retarded, not being able to remember everything and all).

So here I am, my wifey turning 25, and this time next week she will be in my hometown, Boston. If she’s not careful, Aimee and that beautiful new Bendel of hers won’t make it back to Texas.

To my friend, my sister, my wife, my other half, my therapist, my personal shopper, Happy 25^th Birthday.

How To: Turn 25

I went home Wednesday evening still riding a high from the number of wonderful readers who tuned into my newest blog entry. Before I go any further, thank you all for reading! I am loving all of the positive feedback I'm getting. When you quote me back to me it makes my day. (Haven't read it yet? Click Here)

My excitement level helped me decide that this needed to be a celebration evening, not just a typical evening in my apartment. I went home, opened my fridge and pulled out a selection of top-notch meats and cheeses. By this I mean the deli's finest prepackaged honey ham and a mozzarella string cheese, to be washed down with a nice glass of Cran-Raspberry. What can I say, I'm classy. My Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous days are apparently not here yet. What a buzz-kill.

I thought about writing a post for last Friday, but didn't really have enough time to promise quality writing, so I thought I'd postpone in order to give you something better. I pondered over what to write about all weekend and decided that there is something unavoidable for today's post. No reader votes necessary.

I have a birthday this week. Actually, its tomorrow. I'm turning 25! Check back tomorrow, three of my hilarious life-long besties are working on some guest posts about Yours Truly.

The big 2-5. To all of my older readers, please hold all of your comments about how young I am while I start to hyperventilate and put my head between my knees. I give you one free eye roll on me. Yes, I know. I'm still a baby. I will be closer to 30 than 20, as my so-called "best friend" Colby pointed out to me. Half-way to 50. A quarter of a century. I can remember things clearly from two decades ago. This is getting scary.

Shouldn't I have figured some stuff out by now? I mean, I've had 25 years. 25 just sounds like a full-blown adult to us Almost Adults. Rather than dwell on all of the things I haven't gotten to yet in life or any advice for getting older, today's list is different.

I am one heck of a lucky girl because:

1. I have spent 25 years with my awesome family. My mom's and my relationship has provided me with plenty of ammo for writing material, my brother is my ultimate "funny or not funny" critic, and my dad laughs no matter what. I even have a pretty awesome sister-in-law.
2. I have three extraordinary best friends that have known me for a combined 29 years. You'll all get to meet Brad, Colby and Catherine tomorrow right here on Mishaps where I'm letting them all tell stories about me. They're good.
3. I have the world's best sidekick in my dog, Brodie. He wakes me up every morning just DYING to say hi to me. It's cute.
4. I went to a great college that allows me to obnoxiously deck myself out in purple. I love getting to see my wonderful friends at tailgates on home game weekends.
5. I'm only 25. I've got a whole lot of living left to do.
6. I have a good job, but more importantly I'm doing what I love... writing, telling stories, and making you laugh.
7. I have you! My fabulous readers! Keep tuning in. Today's post wasn't as laugh out loud funny, I know, but tomorrow's is. I grant you one heck of a laugh at my expense tomorrow.

How To: Find 50 First Dates

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

Ooooooooooh, dating. How I despise you. In movies, we see people meet at work or on the train, in line at the grocery store, walking the dog, shopping, the list goes on. I think it would be great if Brodie would go all Marmaduke on me; drag me down the street, accurately locating a gorgeous 20-something, tangle us together 101 Dalmatians style, turning my story into a real life rom-com. Seeing as how that more than likely won't happen, I think perhaps I should put a little more effort into finding my own date.

Sure, I've been set up by friends and met guys at bars but nothing has seemed to pan out too well so far. My biggest problem seems to be that most of my friends all run in the same circle, so I don't have a ton of outside connections. I needed to expand my search categories to include more prospects. Besides just walking up to attractive strangers, which, let's face it, I'd never be brave enough to do, it was time to try out online dating.

From an outside perspective, I can see both immediate ups and downs to the world of online dating. There's the risk of meeting a total stranger, but that risk kind of goes for all first dates in general. A blind date is a blind date regardless if your friend swears he's suuuuuuuper nice or not. There's also the possibility that someone could misrepresent themselves in a profile. Personally, I feel like that would be a lot of wasted effort on any one's part... Ok, so sure, you convince me to go out with you, but when I get there and your stated 6'0" self is, in fact, 5'6", and your pictures were clearly taken several years ago in what must have been really good lighting, your second date shot is blown, so where is the advantage in lying right out of the gate? Both negatives were outweighed to me by the chance to meet men in the surrounding area that I might otherwise never run into.

Per my reasoning above, I'd convinced myself it was worth a shot and I signed up for Match. At first its overwhelming and kind of fun! Its like shopping, except for boys (its pretty much an online catalog for men.) You can do an advanced search and put in all sorts of information about what you want in your perfect match and then search through only the profiles who meet your exact criteria. Well, this I could handle. However, as I got to reading these Mr. Perfect profiles, they were anything but. 

Right off the bat, I have advice for my fellow online dating users.

1. Please please please use spell check. By about the fifth "typo" I'm done reading. You sound dumb.
2. If your only picture is a group shot of you and your fellow dude-bros, unless you intend on drawing in a large arrow pointing to yourself, pick another picture.
3. I'd prefer to not see a picture of you with some girl (or opposite for girls... dur). Who is this? Your ex-girlfriend? I'm not Southwest Airlines. I don't take baggage for free.
4. 

   Any email that starts with "How was your weekend?" comes off more like Joey Tribbiani's "How you doin'?" Insert a raised eyebrow, and then a large eye roll on my part.
5. Write enough in your profile so that a potential match might find something you have in common or interesting about you to discuss in an email.
6. Be honest. Have some close friends proof-read your profile for you, see if they think it accurately represents you.
7. Have confidence. You may not get replies back from everybody you had hoped, but obviously that means that they're not good enough for you and probably a little stuck up. Who wants that anyway?

I tried it for a while, went on lots of first dates, a few second dates, and ended up getting two relationships out of my time on Match. After a while though, it kind of seemed more like a local bar that you see the same people at, time in and time out. The entire experience was worth it for one legendary story.

The second first date I ever went on while using Match was with a police officer I will refer to as R. Shortly after joining Match, I received an email from R that caught me more than a little off guard. The way Match used to be set up, you selected preferences that you either liked or didn't like and it displayed them on your profile. R's email to me was written as if he was all of the things I didn't like, and accusing me of being biased against all of those things and would I never date anyone like him or even give him a shot because of those particular things? The further into the email I read, the more uncomfortable I got. Maybe I was being too harsh on people. And when would this email be over?

 At the very end, it was followed by a "Just kidding." ... the entire email was made up just to poke fun at my list of "don't likes." I laughed (albeit, uncomfortably) and decided he at least deserved a response for coming up with something definitely more original than my favorite, "How was your weekend?" After making me laugh several more times throughout our correspondence, I agreed to meet R for dinner the following week. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a sarcastic personality.

Seeing as how R's and my conversation started, I should have known that this was going to be a date to go down in history. I arrived at the steakhouse R had chosen and saw him waiting for me. After polite small talk while waiting for our table, we were seated and it all began to unravel quickly.

In order to explain this next dialogue, I'm creating a key so that you readers get an accurate visual image of how this date went. When you see a *bold* word, please insert air quotes around it. Like little Horned Frogs for my fellow TCUers, finger quotes, whatever you want to call them. Anything in italics means that I'm thinking this to myself, not actually said out loud. Here we go.

R: "So, you like to *play* golf?"

Me: I'm confused, is he implying that I don't really like to play golf?

       "I do. I play with my dad a lot of weekends."

R: "Well that's fun, what else do you *like* to do?"

Me: Still confused
       "Well, I love to go see my family in Colorado and go skiing in the winter."

R: "Are you a good *skier*?"

Me: What is up with the air quotes?

       "I guess so, yeah, my Grand-daddy taught me to ski when I was three, so I've skied my whole life."

R: "Does your whole family *ski*?"

Me: Maybe this is like a nervous tick or something

       "Yes, we all do, although my sister-in-law snowboards, not skis."

R: "That sounds fun. Do you *go* every year?"

Me: What if I just reach across the table and bat his hands out of the air next time?

        "Yes, we try to."

R: "Well I can't play golf or ski. Have you ever *tried* frisbee golf?"

Me: I need a flight attendant. Where is my nearest exit?

       "No I haven't."

Within 20 minutes, I'm pretty positive I had developed an eye twitch. Every time he raised his hands off the table I flinched a little, bracing myself for the continued excessive misuse of air quotes. After an hour, I practically sprinted to my car. It was one of the most painful (and hilarious, after the eye twitch had subsided) first dates I have ever been on.

If you're still thinking about maybe trying out online dating, I say go for it. Keep an open mind and take it at face value, an introduction to all sorts of people you wouldn't have otherwise met. Even if you don't find exactly what you're looking for, at the very least, it'll help you know what you DON'T want in a future partner. For me, that would be excessive air quoters. Can't do it. My eye just started twitching again thinking about it.

How To: Call for your own Whambulance

Okay, so apparently its becoming a trend that I post on Fridays as well as Wednesdays. However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write this extra post because its something all of us will deal with at some point in time, and I am this week.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

I'm sick. And it sucks. I don't have enough sick days accrued at my job currently so here I am, sitting at my desk, hacking up a lung. I see the evil eyes of everyone in the cubes around me as they stare at me and my now germ-infested desk. Relax everybody. I'm not contagious.  No matter how many self-deprecating jokes I make about how dumb my voice sounds or how annoyed I am with my own coughing, there's no denying it. I'm miserable and would rather be at home.

See, here's the problem. No one likes a complainer. Not me. Not you. Not your coworkers. Not your boss. No one. There is also nothing else quite as satisfying as telling someone that you feel like complete and utter scheisse. Excuse my German.

Monday morning I woke up with my usual Weekly Dread, only to find out I also needed to brush up on my miming skills... I had lost my voice. What the poo? I was fine the night before and now POOF! Its gone. I got up, went to work, and all day could just feel myself tanking, getting worse and worse.

I am fortunate enough to have insurance with my job and decided it was time to test drive my unbelievably expensive health care plan. Tuesday morning, I called work, told them I was going to the doctor and would be in later. It was time to find out if I had step throat, the flu, a cold, bronchitis, the black lung, bubonic plague, etc.

I had already decided if I was contagious, I was going to bite the bullet and stay home like a responsible adult, even sans sick days. If I wasn't contagious, it was time to stick it out and put on my wedgie-inducing big kid pants. Turns out: laryngitis. Not contagious. Scheisse, once again.

Opportunity after opportunity presented itself to tell others just how miserable I was with everyone asking how I'm feeling. Somehow I feel its not quite appropriate for me to say, "Well, I feel like I'm dying, but thanks for asking," in my raspy, not-quite-returned voice. So I just kind of smile and say, "I'm okay," while coughing my way back to my desk. I'm getting tired of this adult crap, and there's an inner three-year-old in me just begging to come out and have a temper tantrum screaming, "I just wanna go hooooooooooome."

So here are this week's tips:

1. Suck it up. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off. Pick your favorite expression.
2. If you think you might have something contagious, do us all a favor and go home.
3. If you're not the sick one but your cubicle neighbor is, avoid any snotty comments (pun intended) about them being sick. Believe me. They're completely aware of how obnoxious they're being.
4. Use self-deprecating humor to pretend you're okay. If you happen to sound like a pre-pubescent boy with your voice cracking every five seconds, even better.
5. Invest in cough drops, DayQuil, vitamin C, anything you can get your hands on that might help.
6. Make sure you are conscious of the people around you. When you're working in a huge office like mine, yeah, its gross when someone else is sick. Everyone knows it. So cover your mouth, wash your hands, etc.
7. When all else fails, call your mom. She's the only one who its completely okay to whine and complain to and more than likely, she'll still love you anyway.

My whambulance should be here any minute.

How To: Adopt a Moose

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

After asking several people's opinion on what this week's topic should be and hearing several of the same answer, I've agreed to write about one of the bravest, dumbest and best ideas I've had in my Almost Adult life: getting a puppy. For any of you that have met my favorite ball of fur and haven't yet heard this story, well, you're in for a treat. Its one of my favorites to tell.

Shortly after graduation, I was working at the photography studio and doing the odd side job to make ends sort-of meet and found myself working from home relatively often. Spending hours alone in my apartment had me thinking maybe it was time for a co-star in the Life of Aimee. Seeing as how dating wasn't going so splendidly (maybe that'll be next week's article), i decided maybe I was better off depending on something rather than someone. Some days I still wish I'd just stuck with Charlie the Beta Fish, although he didn't have much personality. He was more the strong-silent type, never had much of an opinion on anything. He also didn't poop on my floor.

I began researching different types of dogs looking for a medium-sized dog that would be fun to play with, take on walks, was relatively low maintenance and cuteness was a plus. Since my relationship was in full swing with Completely Broke, I also knew I couldn't afford to buy a dog from a breeder. I found out about Pet Finder and started searching local shelters instead. (Theres a link on the left side under Lifesavers for Almost Adults - although search with caution. Cuteness overload tends to have side effects that include adoption of furballs.)

This would be the time to tell you that I had zero knowledge about owning a dog. My mom is terrified of dogs and until about the age of 16, I thought I was too; turns out, they're not that scary. I figured that if i just picked out a bed, a little crate, some cute food bowls a few toys and the cutest puppy within a 10 mile radius, I'd be good to go with a little stinker. How hard could it be?

After looking through tons of puppies on Pet Finder appropriately "aww"ing at all of their cute little pictures, I found a litter of five puppies that were Australian Shepherd/Black Lab mixes. How perfect! The mom was 45lbs and the pups were all expected to be 40-50lbs as well. Just what I was looking for.

I made the drive down to the shelter to see these puppies the next weekend. When I walked in the door, all five puppies were waiting for me in the lobby. Immediately after sitting down, I was bombarded with black fluff balls. I had one puppy jumping on my legs, one trying to steal my flip-flop off my foot, one trying to climb in my lap, and one barking at me to pay attention to her. Quickly I decided the one trying to climb into my lap was the cutest of these four, mainly due to my annoyance at the other three. We were going to live a happy life together, me and Puppy Three, and the other three could go back for some other loving family to choose. Hold it. Three? Weren't there five puppies, not four? Where was this alleged fifth puppy?

I looked up and in the corner was the fattest puppy I have ever seen. Surely this Chunkmeister wasn't from the same litter as these cute little ones? He looked twice the size of Puppy Three. One of the volunteers introduced me to Matt (worst dog name ever.. I'm referring to him as Chunk from here on out instead) and told me he was the fifth puppy and a little shy.

The minute I sat down on the floor, the ground shook as his little fat self was propelled across the tile by his too-large paws. Chunk skidded to a not-quite halt in front of me and collided into my lap. I stared at him wide-eyed, looked at the volunteer and said, "I can't adopt a moose today."

  

 Just kidding, apparently. I dare you to say no to that face. The papers were signed, Chunk was coming home with me. I was now the owner of a Black Lab/Australian Shepherd/Clydesdale mix. Chunk had his name changed to Brodie (mainly due to his surfer-like personality and the fact that then an obvious choice for a nickname would be Bro) and within four months had blown through that estimated weight, having gained 20lbs in 10 weeks .He turned my apartment and my life upside down, but I adjusted to life with a mini-horse quickly. Looking back, I probably wasn't ready for a dog, but he's been an excellent companion for me and a good lesson in being responsible.  

Things I should have thought about before getting a dog:

1. Test drive an animal, whether it be bird, cat, fish, dog, etc. from a friend for a weekend before you decide if this is something you really want to do. Its hard to get rid of an animal once you've got it.
2. They're expsensive. They require shots and doctor's appointments just like people. And their food isn't cheap either. The bigger the dog, the bigger the bill. Having a dog that requires a lot of grooming is expensive as well.
3. More than anything, puppies require time. Training a new puppy is a learning lesson for both the owner and the pup. The keys are patience and cookies. Lots of cookies.
4. Look through shelter websites or breed specific rescues before you shell out big bucks to a breeder. Often times mutts are healthier than pure-breds.
5. Invest in a carpet cleaner. Its unavoidable.
6. No matter how big or small your dog might be, look into obedience classes. Its worth the money and will teach you how to train your dog. Brodie only ever went to Kindergarten starting when he was 3 months old and training him with anything since then has been a snap using the same methods they do. Nothing is more annoying than a dog that just refuses to listen.
7. Take lots of pictures when you finally bring one home. Not only do they grow faster than you can imagine, but its best to have a cute picture to look back at while you're picking up stuffing from the 12th ripped bed you've bought for the little piece of crap. Don't you just love them?

**Make sure to vote for what next week's topic should be in the Poll Box at the top left of the page! See you next Wednesday!**

How To: Pay Your Bills, Bills, Bills

Ok so I'm being overly ambitious and decided I am ready to post Article Number Two. Yes, I know its Friday and I still have another five days before I am supposed to post again. For those of you who know me, I'm sure its shocking to find out that sometimes I can be an over-achiever.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

This is by far my least favorite topic, my Achilles’ heel, the bane of my adult life… Budgeting. (In my head, this would be followed by an ominous “dun dun duuuuuuun.”) Wouldn’t it be nice to have the Golden Ticket and never have to worry about finances ever again? For me, and a majority of other recent grads, this is definitely not the case.

I ended my relationship with Kinda Broke: Student Edition the day I decided it was time to be financially independent. Despite the fact that I recognize all of the things that were terribly wrong with Kinda Broke and understood that I had outgrown that relationship, I still miss our good days.

On the rebound, I picked up with Completely Broke shortly after and we have been loyal companions for a while now. A few months ago, I decided it was time to have a sit down talk and discuss our differences. Since then, we’ve been in therapy. It was time for a budget.

Living alone added a whole new set of problems to the mix; no longer splitting things like cable bills and electricity had me staring wide-eyed at my empty bank account. I half expected my wallet to have tumble weeds rolling through it, it was so deserted. I finally sat down one night, pulled out my computer and set to work figuring out how to make this all work.

If you haven’t heard of Mint.com (there is a link on the left under Lifesavers for Almost Adults), it is an absolute miracle. I finally decided I needed to give Frugal a fair shot, seeing as how Completely Broke and I were not getting along so well. After inputting all of my information, I took a look at my “Trends”, and the most obvious Trend is that I am a horrible budgeter. Mint was nice enough to provide me with a little pie chart to show me just exactly how inadequate I am at budgeting too!

After I got over loathing Mint and my denial at how dreadful I really am at this, it was time to say goodbye to Completely Broke. My grieving was over and I found myself at the seventh and final stage: Acceptance. Mint offers handy options for laying out a budget, as well as guidelines to help you save for a rainy day, buy a house, pay off debts, invest, pick your nose, etc.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Lay out your monthly bills and work backwards through your budget. Rent, car payments, gas, electricity, water, phone, cable, insurance, etc. all come first. Figure out exactly how much you will spend monthly and plan ahead.
2. If you’re using Mint, check out your little Pie Chart of Shame and figure out where else you’re spending the most money. Is it food? Shopping? Bars? Plan ahead for that category.
3. Cash is easier to keep track of and Mint even has a handy iPhone app that you can enter in how much you spent when using cash as well. The little smarty-pants even asks if it should split it out of your most recent ATM withdrawal. Give yourself a weekly cash limit for things like food and then when it runs out, it’s apparently time to diet.
4. Check your bills to see if any of them have adjustable due dates. My rent is always due on the first of the month, so I like to set my other larger bills to be in the middle of the month since I get paid semi-monthly. If you get paid on a set date, then make the due date shortly after that so you always know you have enough money to cover those particular bills. Its easier to pay it and deal with Broke than it is to be diligent about saving sometimes.
5. If you have more than one credit card, check your interest rates. Always pay the higher ones off first, even if it has a lower balance than some of the other ones! Store credit cards are generally the worst, so pay ‘em off.
6. Don’t be unrealistic with your budget! The hardest part is balancing the obstacle of budgeting with the fact that I still like to do things that cost money. Make a list of extra areas and rank them by priority to you. For me, I have to budget for buying books and getting my nails done. I know. Laugh, shake your head at me, tell me I’m completely ridiculous.
7. Can you pay my bills? Especially these automo’bills. They’re the worst.

How To: Walk Uphill Both Ways

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

I just spent my Labor Day weekend at a family reunion in Indiana and celebrating the grueling (ha) labor I've put in over the last two years. This was the first time since graduating college that when I was asked 40 times by 40 different relatives the dreaded question, "So what are you doing these days?" that I'm not fumbling for an answer. The uncomfortable "Weeeeeeell..." is still all too familiar with me, trying to avoid the fact that the answer is rather underwhelming and definitely not where I had thought I'd be after college. As I was flying back to Dallas, I came to the decision that the only way to start this blog off correctly would be to start at the beginning; the first, most important lesson about being an almost adult. How to edit your original plan to fit reality.

The day after college graduation I found myself headed to Paris with my mom to avoid the reality that the economy was terrible, I'd picked a major that was laying employees off rather than hiring, my internship couldn't hire me and I had no plan. A week in France didn't seem to change any of that either. I had until June when my lease was up to figure out a plan or else I needed to pack up, move to Nevada and back in with my parents. Sacre bleu, zut, et merde, as the French would say.

I found out quickly that job hunting is exhausting, depressing and I'd rather perform a root canal on myself. It was time to ditch the public relations route, switch gears, and shoot for the least degrading job I thought I could manage to find. Luckily, I found a job working as an assistant for a photographer and she hired me to do the graphic designing for her company. Not what I particularly wanted to do, but it was better than nothing.

At this point, my flirtation with Completely Broke turned into a long-term steady relationship and I needed a plan C since Plans A and B weren't working out so well. These are some of the lessons I learned along the way.

1. Big kid pants are uncomfortable. And prone to wedgies.
2. Although I prefer the motto, "If at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence you ever tried," the original saying fits better for job hunting. You really do need to just keep trying again.
3. Find something you're good at, even if you didn't major in it, and figure out a way to use it as a Plan B. Sometimes Plan B turns out better than Plan A.
4. Never stop looking. Even if you have to take a job that isn't ideal in order to pay the bills, keep your eyes and ears open for new opportunities to better yourself and your career
5. Think outside the box when it comes to things to add to your resume. Is there something you can volunteer for that would count as experience in the field you'd prefer to be in?
6. Find out if your community has networking meetings for professionals. I attended a few promoting the photography studio I worked for, and then again later representing my own company I started. Its a great way to meet people who run small businesses that might need some contract labor in whatever field you might be in.
7. Maintain a good sense of humor about it all. This is our opportunity to write our "Oh yeah, well when I was your age..." stories. My mom still claims to have walked to school uphill both ways. In the snow. All year. Cleveland is so hilly.

How To: Start a Blog

Ok everybody, I've decided i'm going to start writing a blog. I was trying to come up with a way to not make this a "Dear Diary" type thing, and I want it to be funny and relatable. But most importantly, I need it to be easy for me to maintain, so any kind of new hobby type idea is completely out. Lets face it, I can't commit to cooking something that's so impressive that you just HAVE to mimic me and try it more than about once every two weeks... and that's even pushing it. So what can I possibly write about that I'm a pro at (I'm using the term loosely), requires little effort and is entertaining as well? How about trying to figure out how to go from college student to post-grad 20-something?

My idea for this blog is to come up with things that my friend Mark referred to as "Post-Grad WTF moments"; the lessons we must have either slept through, skipped in college, or were supposed to have been born knowing. I'm suddenly finding myself almost half-way through my 20s, trying to juggle a job, friendships, relationships, and everything else that seems to be repeatedly thrown at me. Turns out, this is a scary, exciting, frustrating, hopeful, hectic and completely overwhelming couple of years. I miss college. And being able to skip classes when I just felt like sleeping in. (Maybe that's why I've found myself lacking.)

I've taken a crack at budgeting, gone on more than a few "interesting" dates, had some grocery store trips that seem to break the bank, dealt with friendship drama, been on endless job hunts, and made so many other (sometimes failed) attempts at being self sufficient.   But here's the best part. You too are probably busy making a fool of yourself trying to be an almost adult, so feel free to send me topics/ideas/questions you have for me to write about.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.