How To: Speak On Command

Hey guys. Brodie here. My mom has been trying to teach me the command SPEAK. Its hard for me to explain to her that my bark is super loud and I like to save it for when I'm pretending to be brave and protecting her against whatever is ringing the doorbell outside. Just because I won't speak on command doesn't mean that I can't write though!

First off, nice to meet you. I hear my mom talk about how much she loves all of you for reading this thing every week. I'm glad you make her happy. So do I. Its super easy. All I have to do is pretend like I forgot a toy was on the floor and then pounce on it. She laughs every time without fail. 

So as I was between naps yesterday patiently awaiting her return I decided I could save her a little time and write an article this week. She does so much for me, it seemed the least I could do to help out. I'm so considerate, right?

The absolute best part about this new house that we bought is my backyard. Its awesome! Especially now that I've figured out this whole "my door" thing. I mean, it makes sense. Its the right height for me. Its a little squishy on the sides for my taste, but I haven't gotten stuck yet. I keep laughing at my bestie Buddy when he won't go through my door. I mean, come on dude, I'm younger, bigger and wider than you. If I can do it, so can you. He'll figure it out some day. 

They keep trying to give him treats to get him to go through. If only he could figure out the number of treats it really means just to jump through this thing - JACKPOT. Its like taking sticks from a baby. I did that last week. That little girl didn't need a stick... Me on the other hand. I'd never seen such a beautiful stick before.

Now all I can think about are sticks. But you humans don't seem to care too much about sticks. You just keep throwing them away from you. I mean, really, how many times do I have to give it back to you for you to understand how amazing these little trees are?

But thats beside the point. This isn't helping you or Mom. However, I did hear her having a conversation earlier this week talking about how expensive it is to have an awesome pup like me. I chose to ignore when she called me "the most expensive free thing" she'd ever had. Good thing I love her kind-of-a-lot already.

If you're considering making the best decision of your life and adopting a pup like me, here are the things you need to consider budget-wise.

1. I like to eat. A LOT. In fact, my middle name is Hoover. I think it's a joke about the way I eat, but I just choose to think she named me after the President because I'm smart. And just like you humans, the better quality food you eat, the more expensive it is. Mom doesn't have caviar and champagne every day, and neither do I. However, I do like something better than McDonalds. The instructions for how much you should feed us are usually on the bag. It depends on the size of my friend that you adopt, but for my big self, I cost about $45 a month in food.
2. I have to go to the doctor too, you know. And I'm not cheap. Twice a year I have to go pretend to be brave while I get shots to make sure I don't get sick or cause other friends to get sick. It stinks. I hate it. Mom put me on a monthly plan though now (Banfield's Wellness Plan) that makes it a monthly rate instead of just lump sums for vet visits. Its roughly about $30 a month per friend.
3. Its all fun and games until someone ends up in a cone. This one time I was following my mom through a door and the door slammed on my tail. It hurt so bad. I cried like a baby (but I was still, so it doesn't make me any less manly), had to go to the emergency room, got a cast and had to be mopey for two weeks. It was horrible. I don't know who I am without my tail knocking things over and swaying in the wind. I'd budget about an extra $150-300 for accidents a year JUST IN CASE. Stay safe, my friends.
4. I really like things to chew on. Especially since its apparently frowned upon to chew on TV remotes. They tasted kinda funny anyway, so I guess I'm okay with these rawhide things. Mom buys them in packs of 5 from the store. Estimate another $15 for something special for my friends to chew on a month if you'd rather it not be on your shoes or TV remotes.
5. If you don't have a backyard like mine, please remember that having me costs you an extra 15 minutes in the morning to take me outside. Just like you, I've gotta GO when I wake up. I don't make you hold it - so don't make me. It won't end well, I promise.
6. Some pups are like my bud Buddy and need haircuts. I've heard about how expensive those can be. Take into consideration whether my friend would need haircuts or not as an additional expense. 
7. I don't need haircuts, but my hair falls out. All over the house. On Sunday, Buddy and I were laying there staring at each other while on hiatus from Squirrel Patrol and a huge ball of his and my extra fur rolled in between us. I felt like a gunslinger. Ooo-wee-oo-wee-oooooo. You should probably budget for some kind of vacuum that specializes in pet hair pickup if you don't want tumble-fuzz everywhere.  Mom uses a Swiffer Vac. You should probably buy one.

The number one thing to remember about me and my friends though - we are SO worth it. Mom always seems a little happier when I put my head in her lap and give her a few kisses to let her know she's my favorite. If you can afford to give one of my friends a good life, I would recommend it. We guarantee a return on your investment. We'll love you 'til the day we die, no matter what.

I think I hear a squirrel. GOTTA GO.

Lieutenant Brodie Miller and Sergeant Buddy Brogdon

of the First Infantry, Squirrel Fighting devision.

How To: Change Bachelor Bad to Bachelor Pad

Today's lesson is mostly for the male audience. Girls, feel free to laugh along and pass this on to every guy you know who is guilty of one, or all, of these following examples.

Who here at some point in time had a movie poster on their wall? I sure did. In my freshman dorm room. Seven years ago. Who here at one point in time had furniture that slightly resembled Tupperware? I did. Seven years ago. Who thought that it was not only cool but also a good idea to have a beer pong table instead of a real table? Saved space, and was way more fun. Seven years ago. Who has ever seen a room that looked something like this?

Don't lie. We both know you at least thought about it. These people had much better taste/more money to spend on beer than the walls I've seen though. I'm sorry, but nothing is impressive about a family room "wallpapered" with Keystone boxes. Zero. Zilch. Congratulations. You drink a whole crap-ton of cheap beer that tastes like urine. Not that I would know, but you catch my drift. 

Are we sensing a pattern here? The things that were acceptable, and possibly even cool, seven years ago as college kids now make us look like we're suffering from Van Wilder Syndrome (the older brother to Peter Pan Syndrome).

Now don't worry boys, we are expecting to be underwhelmed by your place. The bar is set extremely low. If you have pictures hanging on your wall and a single throw pillow, we're automatically going to assume your mom helped you move in. If you have curtains, she probably did the moving in while you weren't even home. How nice of her.

Never fear, Mishaps is here! I am providing you with secret knowledge. Want to know how to seal the deal with girls and not make them run in the opposite direction when they see the inside of your Bachelor Pad?

1. CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM. I can't stress this enough. It doesn't have to be spotless, but if you have a clean toilet and I can't see evidence of the last time you brushed your teeth, I will forgive just about anything else in your place. If I can tell that you shaved this morning, or this week, just ew. You can forget it.
2. Tidy is the new clean. It makes no difference to me whether you dust or vacuum, but pick your crap up off the floor. Make your bed. At least attempt to push your clothes into a pile in the corner. Even better, buy a hamper!
3. Buy new bedding. Want any lady friend to plop down next to you in it? Buy bedding that actually matches. And sleeping bags unzipped do not count as a comforter, no matter how economical you might think it is.
4. No movie posters, please. Unless your walls are made of cinder block, there are Greek letters on the front of your building, or you have home theater room, resist the urge. Don't do it. I'm glad you love Gladiator and Tombstone. Me too! Take them down.
5. Don't even get me started on half-naked women anywhere in your place. Congratulations. That's the only one you'll be seeing.
6. Mattresses weren't meant to be on the floor. Did you know that you can but a plain metal mattress frame for under $50? They have them anywhere they sell mattresses. Having your mattress on the floor doesn't help your feng shui, it's not the same as a platform bed, and its not okay. 
7. If you can say the words "And its even collapsible!" about anything in your apartment, it means its not real furniture. Why, yes, I'd love to go to a bonfire or a tailgate with you, but my female bum is not touching a lawn chair while inside.

If you follow my advice, I guarantee* satisfaction. Trust me, it will improve your life AND your game.

*I can't actually guarantee this. If you are not satisfied, I'd be happy to return the $0.002 I earned for your page view. Except if you laughed. If you laughed, I'm keeping it. I earned my $0.002, thank you very much.

How To: Throw a House (Warming) Party

Why, yes I'm 25 and still love house parties. Especially themed house parties. That are also house warming parties. For myself. 

This past Saturday I decided it was time to break in my new house with its very first house party. Since I happened to pick May 5, which was both Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby, guests had three theme options: Mexican, Kentucky Derby, or Mexican Derby. I was excited about the possibilities this presented. Sombrero as a Derby hat? Yes please. 

I spent Saturday prepping my house, cleaning and hanging pictures to make it look like I really do live here. Good thing I had my mom in town to tell me to move everything slightly to the right and that I'm incapable of hanging a picture level. If its her opinion over what the little level bubble says, its generally best to go with her opinion. Love you, Mom. My dad was slaving away making his my garage all pimped out and organized and cleaning up the backyard in preparation for all of my guests to arrive. Good thing we got around to hanging my flag! I didn't even need to tell people that my house was the third on the left - they all just somehow knew which house was mine.

So you might be wondering what makes a 20-Something house party different than a college house party?

I mean, really. Cursive.  This qualifies me as an over-achiever.

1. It starts at 7:30 because I'm lame and now hate staying up late.
2. It has actual food. Well, kind of. There was a crock-pot in use. That has to count for something.
3. No one goes thru the dog door to see if it really is human-sized. Just kidding. Of course this happened. You can't just go around saying its human-sized without having someone test it.
4. It doesn't have just one theme but two because we're sophisticated now. Cinco de Derby? And yes, I wrote "derby" with STREAMERS in cursive. I believe this qualifies me as just plain talented.
5. Costumes could consist of a mustache on a popsicle stick. Or possibly a sombrero on a stick. Or anything seersucker. Even dogs wore costumes. We had a Bandito and a Prize Winning Horse. I'm sure you can guess which one was Brodie (its all in the legs).
6. Flip cup games don't break out on center islands. Just kidding, yes they do.
7. It requires two naps on Sunday to recover. Probably because I still woke up at 8:30 due to my inability to sleep in.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by!

Oh and by the way, THANKS FOR READING! Did you notice that in the last week Mishaps has had 900 readers?! HOLY COW! So go ahead and tell your friends! Like Mishaps on Facebook, repost it on your page, click the JOIN THIS SITE button, share the love!

How To: Give It The Old College Try

I had a lovely weekend showing off my house and chatting with my friends - both old and new! One of my guests even came up to me and said that she'd recently started following my blog. After I got over my oh-so-humble reaction of people telling me they think I'm hilarious, I started recommending articles that might be appropriate for things she'd been going through recently. 

Of course, our conversation led me right back to How To: Find 50 First Dates. It always does. I told her some of the pros and cons of online dating, a few of my stories, both good and bad, and then of course, as I always do, point out that really its different for everyone. To understand it, you'll just have to try it.

I realized afterwards that my knowledge base was missing one link - OKCupid. From a strictly research-based standpoint (and lets face it, I'm still single - can't hurt), I decided to give it one more College Try. 

I think I might have broken some kind of record. If I created a ratio representing the amount of time that I spent tweaking my profile to make it as accurate as possible compared to the number of hours I was actually subscribed... Let me just put it this way. I didn't even last a full 24 hours. 

Thanks for the free ego boost OKCupid users. Good thing I am completely comfortable being single. 

See you Wednesday!

How To: Read Between the Lines

Inspiration stuck this morning after having a conversation with my bestie Brad over interpreting something a guy had said to a friend of mine. Not everyone is as lucky as me to have a best guy friend to turn to (or vice versa) when you’re faced with tricky situations over figuring out the opposite sex.

I'm overgeneralizing here, but for the most part, women read into almost everything. We can't help it. It's part of the reason we're so good at adapting to situations - more than likely we've already thought of it anyway. Men, from my understanding, are much more simple. There are generally two reasons behind anything they say: 1. The truth. or 2. Something they think we want to hear in order to avoid the truth.

The biggest pitfalls happen when one party takes something at face value that isn't quite what they meant the other party to interpret and you wind up on the slippery slope of miscommunication. So frustrating!

Today’s post is slightly different than my standard format, but i'm going to give you some insight into several fabricated situations in where miscommunications are MOST LIKELY to happen. Luckily for you, Brad and I are here to give you the rundown on what everything really means.

EXAMPLE: 

Okay, everyone at some point in time has had this conversation or some version of it. It ends with both parties ready to slam their head into a wall. The open ended invite. To go or not to go - that is the question.

Guy Interpretation: Well, I was looking forward to a night with the boys. The only reason I even asked her was I thought she would say no! Its not like we're even dating. Can't we just hang out a different night and not have to ruin Guy's Night?

Girl Interpretation: He asked me to go! But he did say he was with a bunch of guys. Should I go or will I be crashing? I really like this guy though and I want to appear interested in the things that he likes even if I don't care about bar trivia.

General Rule: If they have something specific they mention (such as a guys night) that sounds like you might be intruding on, suggest an alternate plan for a different night and politely decline. This will get you much farther in the long run than becoming a tagalong. 

EXAMPLE:

Girls, if you've ever been left hanging with an awkward "Miss you!" left out there with no response, go ahead and start following Mishaps publicly. Just kidding! But really, you should go click the JOIN THIS SITE button on the top left hand side of the page.

Guy Interpretation: What just happened? We had a great night, and I thought things were going well. Is she really mad that I didnt say "Miss you, too"?? I dropped her off 5 minutes ago after just spent my entire night with her. I haven't had time to start missing her yet!

Girl Interpretation: He doesn't even CARE! Clearly by adding my "..." he knows that I was expecting something more and still didn't say anything! I'm completely disregarding the fact that I just spent the last 5 hours with him for the fact that 2 minutes later he doesn't miss me yet! HOW CAN HE NOT MISS ME, TOO??

General Rule: Consider the appropriateness of the stated "I miss you!"s before you throw it out there. Generally, if its immediately after a conversation with a guy or, even better, during a conversation, you're going to get left hanging. Don't jump to conclusions that this clearly means he's anticipating breaking up with you tomorrow and is glad to be rid of you - that would be a very girl-like thing to do so just CLOSE THE LID on the Crazy.


EXAMPLE:

The dreaded Friend Zone. This is the WORST case of miscommunication. Its like quicksand - once you're in it, there's really no coming out. Don't get caught!

Guy Interpretation: Awesome. I asked her to hang out and she wanted to do something tonight. This is even better than I thought. I wasn't sure if she was into me or not but I guess there's my answer! This could be a fun night!


Girl Interpretation: Its a bar - the more the merrier. He seems nice enough from what I know and this way i'm not forced into anything date-like. Is it 5 yet? I could really use a drink right about now. My feet are going to be killing me by 5. Why do I keep wearing these shoes anyway? Terrible decision. They do make my calves look good though. But for real. Ow.


General Rule: The second the words "Oh, we're just friends" comes out of either party's mouths - Donezo. You're sinking in that quicksand fast. If you are intending it to be a date rather than just "hanging out", be specific. Suggest a particular activity rather than just going with a vague suggestion. You'll get an immediate answer with a simple yes or no and move on from there.

So here is my only advice for this week.

1. Be specific. Say what you're thinking. I think you should click the JOIN THIS SITE button and become a loyal fan. Just saying.