How To: Speak On Command

Hey guys. Brodie here. My mom has been trying to teach me the command SPEAK. Its hard for me to explain to her that my bark is super loud and I like to save it for when I'm pretending to be brave and protecting her against whatever is ringing the doorbell outside. Just because I won't speak on command doesn't mean that I can't write though!

First off, nice to meet you. I hear my mom talk about how much she loves all of you for reading this thing every week. I'm glad you make her happy. So do I. Its super easy. All I have to do is pretend like I forgot a toy was on the floor and then pounce on it. She laughs every time without fail. 

So as I was between naps yesterday patiently awaiting her return I decided I could save her a little time and write an article this week. She does so much for me, it seemed the least I could do to help out. I'm so considerate, right?

The absolute best part about this new house that we bought is my backyard. Its awesome! Especially now that I've figured out this whole "my door" thing. I mean, it makes sense. Its the right height for me. Its a little squishy on the sides for my taste, but I haven't gotten stuck yet. I keep laughing at my bestie Buddy when he won't go through my door. I mean, come on dude, I'm younger, bigger and wider than you. If I can do it, so can you. He'll figure it out some day. 

They keep trying to give him treats to get him to go through. If only he could figure out the number of treats it really means just to jump through this thing - JACKPOT. Its like taking sticks from a baby. I did that last week. That little girl didn't need a stick... Me on the other hand. I'd never seen such a beautiful stick before.

Now all I can think about are sticks. But you humans don't seem to care too much about sticks. You just keep throwing them away from you. I mean, really, how many times do I have to give it back to you for you to understand how amazing these little trees are?

But thats beside the point. This isn't helping you or Mom. However, I did hear her having a conversation earlier this week talking about how expensive it is to have an awesome pup like me. I chose to ignore when she called me "the most expensive free thing" she'd ever had. Good thing I love her kind-of-a-lot already.

If you're considering making the best decision of your life and adopting a pup like me, here are the things you need to consider budget-wise.

1. I like to eat. A LOT. In fact, my middle name is Hoover. I think it's a joke about the way I eat, but I just choose to think she named me after the President because I'm smart. And just like you humans, the better quality food you eat, the more expensive it is. Mom doesn't have caviar and champagne every day, and neither do I. However, I do like something better than McDonalds. The instructions for how much you should feed us are usually on the bag. It depends on the size of my friend that you adopt, but for my big self, I cost about $45 a month in food.
2. I have to go to the doctor too, you know. And I'm not cheap. Twice a year I have to go pretend to be brave while I get shots to make sure I don't get sick or cause other friends to get sick. It stinks. I hate it. Mom put me on a monthly plan though now (Banfield's Wellness Plan) that makes it a monthly rate instead of just lump sums for vet visits. Its roughly about $30 a month per friend.
3. Its all fun and games until someone ends up in a cone. This one time I was following my mom through a door and the door slammed on my tail. It hurt so bad. I cried like a baby (but I was still, so it doesn't make me any less manly), had to go to the emergency room, got a cast and had to be mopey for two weeks. It was horrible. I don't know who I am without my tail knocking things over and swaying in the wind. I'd budget about an extra $150-300 for accidents a year JUST IN CASE. Stay safe, my friends.
4. I really like things to chew on. Especially since its apparently frowned upon to chew on TV remotes. They tasted kinda funny anyway, so I guess I'm okay with these rawhide things. Mom buys them in packs of 5 from the store. Estimate another $15 for something special for my friends to chew on a month if you'd rather it not be on your shoes or TV remotes.
5. If you don't have a backyard like mine, please remember that having me costs you an extra 15 minutes in the morning to take me outside. Just like you, I've gotta GO when I wake up. I don't make you hold it - so don't make me. It won't end well, I promise.
6. Some pups are like my bud Buddy and need haircuts. I've heard about how expensive those can be. Take into consideration whether my friend would need haircuts or not as an additional expense. 
7. I don't need haircuts, but my hair falls out. All over the house. On Sunday, Buddy and I were laying there staring at each other while on hiatus from Squirrel Patrol and a huge ball of his and my extra fur rolled in between us. I felt like a gunslinger. Ooo-wee-oo-wee-oooooo. You should probably budget for some kind of vacuum that specializes in pet hair pickup if you don't want tumble-fuzz everywhere.  Mom uses a Swiffer Vac. You should probably buy one.

The number one thing to remember about me and my friends though - we are SO worth it. Mom always seems a little happier when I put my head in her lap and give her a few kisses to let her know she's my favorite. If you can afford to give one of my friends a good life, I would recommend it. We guarantee a return on your investment. We'll love you 'til the day we die, no matter what.

I think I hear a squirrel. GOTTA GO.

Lieutenant Brodie Miller and Sergeant Buddy Brogdon

of the First Infantry, Squirrel Fighting devision.