How To: Change Bachelor Bad to Bachelor Pad

Today's lesson is mostly for the male audience. Girls, feel free to laugh along and pass this on to every guy you know who is guilty of one, or all, of these following examples.

Who here at some point in time had a movie poster on their wall? I sure did. In my freshman dorm room. Seven years ago. Who here at one point in time had furniture that slightly resembled Tupperware? I did. Seven years ago. Who thought that it was not only cool but also a good idea to have a beer pong table instead of a real table? Saved space, and was way more fun. Seven years ago. Who has ever seen a room that looked something like this?

Don't lie. We both know you at least thought about it. These people had much better taste/more money to spend on beer than the walls I've seen though. I'm sorry, but nothing is impressive about a family room "wallpapered" with Keystone boxes. Zero. Zilch. Congratulations. You drink a whole crap-ton of cheap beer that tastes like urine. Not that I would know, but you catch my drift. 

Are we sensing a pattern here? The things that were acceptable, and possibly even cool, seven years ago as college kids now make us look like we're suffering from Van Wilder Syndrome (the older brother to Peter Pan Syndrome).

Now don't worry boys, we are expecting to be underwhelmed by your place. The bar is set extremely low. If you have pictures hanging on your wall and a single throw pillow, we're automatically going to assume your mom helped you move in. If you have curtains, she probably did the moving in while you weren't even home. How nice of her.

Never fear, Mishaps is here! I am providing you with secret knowledge. Want to know how to seal the deal with girls and not make them run in the opposite direction when they see the inside of your Bachelor Pad?

1. CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM. I can't stress this enough. It doesn't have to be spotless, but if you have a clean toilet and I can't see evidence of the last time you brushed your teeth, I will forgive just about anything else in your place. If I can tell that you shaved this morning, or this week, just ew. You can forget it.
2. Tidy is the new clean. It makes no difference to me whether you dust or vacuum, but pick your crap up off the floor. Make your bed. At least attempt to push your clothes into a pile in the corner. Even better, buy a hamper!
3. Buy new bedding. Want any lady friend to plop down next to you in it? Buy bedding that actually matches. And sleeping bags unzipped do not count as a comforter, no matter how economical you might think it is.
4. No movie posters, please. Unless your walls are made of cinder block, there are Greek letters on the front of your building, or you have home theater room, resist the urge. Don't do it. I'm glad you love Gladiator and Tombstone. Me too! Take them down.
5. Don't even get me started on half-naked women anywhere in your place. Congratulations. That's the only one you'll be seeing.
6. Mattresses weren't meant to be on the floor. Did you know that you can but a plain metal mattress frame for under $50? They have them anywhere they sell mattresses. Having your mattress on the floor doesn't help your feng shui, it's not the same as a platform bed, and its not okay. 
7. If you can say the words "And its even collapsible!" about anything in your apartment, it means its not real furniture. Why, yes, I'd love to go to a bonfire or a tailgate with you, but my female bum is not touching a lawn chair while inside.

If you follow my advice, I guarantee* satisfaction. Trust me, it will improve your life AND your game.

*I can't actually guarantee this. If you are not satisfied, I'd be happy to return the $0.002 I earned for your page view. Except if you laughed. If you laughed, I'm keeping it. I earned my $0.002, thank you very much.