How To: Be a Long-Distance Friend

Happy Birthday to me! I have the best friends ever. Their birthday present to me this year was a guest post, so here's what they had to say.

BRAD

Weren't we attractive? Oh middle school.

For over half my life, I've had the pleasure of calling Aimee one of my best friends. Ever since the day we met, it seemed like we just clicked. Maybe it was because I finally found someone who would talk more than me. Maybe it was because I was afraid she’d beat me up since she was about a foot taller than me. It was probably a combination of several different things but, never the less, we became close. We were some of the most awkward kids in the 8th grade but we definitely thought we were the coolest. I'm sure we didn't help our case by making what we thought were witty jokes that seemed to only make us laugh.

Turning the clock forward a little closer to the present, we are closer now than when we lived up the street from one another. Aimee always fell in that category of people that I could go months without talking to and, when we finally would get the chance, it was like we had spoken the day before. I remember when Jen (my now wife) and I started dating, she was pretty jealous of our friendship. I think it was partly because there was another girl in my life who, for all intensive purposes, was my go-to-girl. Jen would always tell me that she was worried that when she finally met her, Aimee wouldn't like her. She would always give me funny looks when we would talk on the phone and, as we were hanging up, I would say, “Love you babe! Bye!"

As it turns out, the day they finally met was actually two days before mine and Jen's wedding. I remember how nervous she was as we drove to the restaurant to meet up with Aimee, Catherine, and Colby. (you’ll meet them after me, I was here first, so I get to go first.) From the second they hugged, they are both huggers so it wasn't weird, it seemed as though they had been friends for almost as long and Aimee and I. (Probably due to how much one had to hear about the other) By the end of the dinner, they were even planning a girl’s weekend without me! As we were leaving, Jen said to me, “I can’t believe I was ever worried about not getting along with her! She is so awesome!” I simply replied, “Now you know why I love her so much.”

I feel like before they met, Jen just accepted the fact that I would say, “Love you” to Aimee when we would talk on the phone or text. Now, after meeting each other and seeing what a great person she is, I think Jen fully understands why I say it. She’s the only other woman in my life besides my wife (and mother/mother-in-law/other significant female family members) that makes me want to tell her that I love her and mean it every time.

Aimee, you are the best friend someone could ask for and I can’t wait to share the rest of my life with you too. Happy Birthday!

CATHERINE

Freshman year of High School. Super cute, huh?

 Not only are we 25 now, but Aimee and I have been best friends for ten years.  During the course of a decade I've learned some great things from her, and the main thing is that all you need in life in that one friend who'll listen to you bitch about something stupid, make you laugh out loud at inappropriate moments, and who will talk you in to public humiliation.

I met Aimee on our first day of high school.  Aimee had just moved to Indiana, and I was starting at a new school.  So there we sat in an Honors English class (how I ended up in there I couldn’t tell you), when our teacher uttered the two most dreaded words for any awkward, friendless, new student.  Group project.  Being the two new kids, Mrs. Bowling, bless her, put the two of us together, and that was that.

The one project turned into many over the course of the year, each one somehow more mortifying then the last.  Perhaps the best (or worst) project happened when the class was asked to re-enact a scene from Romeo and Juliet.  Immediately there seems to be trouble there for us to be partners, but we figured out that we could do one scene together- the fight scene.

So one evening we were figuring out how best to do this, and decided that it would be hilarious to make it a modern day fight in a gym.  So we asked Aimee’s mother to grab the video camera (we should’ve known that if we weren’t willing to do this live, recording it wasn’t a good alternative).  Now to give you a little visual of this, let’s just say the scene involved Sock-em-Boppers, treadmills, and a complete blooper reel.  Sad to say the teacher kept it.  To this day I am mortified that this tape is out there somewhere.

This was just one of many a hilarious, embarassing, and unforgettable memory of my best friend. So in answer to those snobby girls in high school- "I have friend! ..And she's pretty awesome."

Happy birthday Aimee.  I am geniunely afraid of the story I’ll post for your 35th.

COLBY

Freshman year of college...
Colby's first trip to Texas.

Let me start this off by saying I have THE worst memory EVER. I tend to forget large chunks of my life; maybe for my benefit, I don't know. So not to sound like a terrible friend I really needed to dig deep on this one. I don't remember officially meeting Aimee, no seriously, and don't I sound like a jerk saying that?! But I don't, I don't know if it was move-in day, a week later, or even a month later, but to me, that part doesn't matter. The parts that came after do.

My favorite part of having Aimee freshman year at Bentley was that she had the same taste for life I did. I preferred eating my entire medium thin crust Dominos pizza, so did Aimee. I preferred two extra shots in my margarita, so did Aimee. Aimee also came prepared for such events, she had a blender; however we did have to turn up the music so to drown out the crunch of ice and whirring sound that followed. Aimee also has the same love for movies I do, resulting in entire conversations in movie quotes. People get annoyed by it; I say watch Brother Bear and join in!

Aimee was also blessed, as a freshman, to have had a motor vehicle on campus. AWESOME. We'd take trips to Target, blasting country music the whole way. She still likes to brag that she expanded my country pallet beyond the ever popular Kenny Chesney. And yes, I think his tractor is very sexy. This gorgeous red Jeep had the unfortunate experience of coming in close contact with a Bentley dumpster; “Ahh! Salam and good evening to you worthy friend. Please, please come closer. Too close! A little too close.” A typical Bentley retard decided to go the wrong way in a one way – this never ends well. The dumpster’s handle scraped down the passenger side of the Jeep as Aimee veered around the idiot. Making light of the situation, we got to have an annunciation lesson as we drove down I95 to the collision center. Listening to Aimee try and pronounce the town names as we went was priceless: Ponkapoag, Peabody(not as easy as it looks), Worcester, Gloucester and various others.

Getting back to my brain devoid of memories, I don’t remember the day Aimee told me she wasn’t coming back to Bentley. As a woman in love, I was in denial. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person and here she was, up and leaving me. Silly me for thinking this magnificent creature didn’t share my vast emotions. We were married spring of Sophomore year and had a fabulous honeymoon in Florida (at my grandparent’s condo but hey, no hotel costs!) It was there I got to show off my fantastic driving skills. Aimee and I even made up a song (to be sung to the tune of Hellogoodbye’s Here In Your Arms):

“I like, where we are, when we drive, in your golf cart. I like, where we are, here. Where you are the one, the one, who sits next to me. Whispers, “Hello, you’re driving quite terribly.” I fell right out, when you turned so suddenly. But there’s no place I’d rather be but here in your golf cart.”

I think it’s safe to say, I drove her crazy. My Aimsicle and I (now that we were married, a pet name seemed appropriate) spent our days sunbathing, playing Wii, and gossiping about boys; my current boyfriend was also in Florida for Spring Break and had invited another lady as his guest (our love lives are beyond complicated).

The next three years were rough, being newlyweds and all, we didn’t see each other. We were both busy finishing school, getting a job, keeping that job, buying our babies, trying to figure out the meaning of being an “adult”.

Then, a MIRACLE happened. NEW YORK CITY – the city of lights – brought us back together again. Aimee and her “friends of the ages” all met in one location for a weekend of chaos. We drank margaritas which we’re convinced were made with grain alcohol, crashed a Lord of the Rings party, held the Statue of Liberty in our hands, shopped, and walked our boots off. After that, Aimee and I vowed to never go more than six months between visits.

The next one was Nashville, TN. I was her date (naturally) for her ex-boyfriend’s wedding (HEY BRAD!). This event was most memorable and down-right side-splitting. But that story needs its own post so I’ll let Aimee tell that one (also my brain is story-telling retarded, not being able to remember everything and all).

So here I am, my wifey turning 25, and this time next week she will be in my hometown, Boston. If she’s not careful, Aimee and that beautiful new Bendel of hers won’t make it back to Texas.

To my friend, my sister, my wife, my other half, my therapist, my personal shopper, Happy 25^th Birthday.

How To: Turn 25

I went home Wednesday evening still riding a high from the number of wonderful readers who tuned into my newest blog entry. Before I go any further, thank you all for reading! I am loving all of the positive feedback I'm getting. When you quote me back to me it makes my day. (Haven't read it yet? Click Here)

My excitement level helped me decide that this needed to be a celebration evening, not just a typical evening in my apartment. I went home, opened my fridge and pulled out a selection of top-notch meats and cheeses. By this I mean the deli's finest prepackaged honey ham and a mozzarella string cheese, to be washed down with a nice glass of Cran-Raspberry. What can I say, I'm classy. My Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous days are apparently not here yet. What a buzz-kill.

I thought about writing a post for last Friday, but didn't really have enough time to promise quality writing, so I thought I'd postpone in order to give you something better. I pondered over what to write about all weekend and decided that there is something unavoidable for today's post. No reader votes necessary.

I have a birthday this week. Actually, its tomorrow. I'm turning 25! Check back tomorrow, three of my hilarious life-long besties are working on some guest posts about Yours Truly.

The big 2-5. To all of my older readers, please hold all of your comments about how young I am while I start to hyperventilate and put my head between my knees. I give you one free eye roll on me. Yes, I know. I'm still a baby. I will be closer to 30 than 20, as my so-called "best friend" Colby pointed out to me. Half-way to 50. A quarter of a century. I can remember things clearly from two decades ago. This is getting scary.

Shouldn't I have figured some stuff out by now? I mean, I've had 25 years. 25 just sounds like a full-blown adult to us Almost Adults. Rather than dwell on all of the things I haven't gotten to yet in life or any advice for getting older, today's list is different.

I am one heck of a lucky girl because:

1. I have spent 25 years with my awesome family. My mom's and my relationship has provided me with plenty of ammo for writing material, my brother is my ultimate "funny or not funny" critic, and my dad laughs no matter what. I even have a pretty awesome sister-in-law.
2. I have three extraordinary best friends that have known me for a combined 29 years. You'll all get to meet Brad, Colby and Catherine tomorrow right here on Mishaps where I'm letting them all tell stories about me. They're good.
3. I have the world's best sidekick in my dog, Brodie. He wakes me up every morning just DYING to say hi to me. It's cute.
4. I went to a great college that allows me to obnoxiously deck myself out in purple. I love getting to see my wonderful friends at tailgates on home game weekends.
5. I'm only 25. I've got a whole lot of living left to do.
6. I have a good job, but more importantly I'm doing what I love... writing, telling stories, and making you laugh.
7. I have you! My fabulous readers! Keep tuning in. Today's post wasn't as laugh out loud funny, I know, but tomorrow's is. I grant you one heck of a laugh at my expense tomorrow.

How To: Find 50 First Dates

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

Ooooooooooh, dating. How I despise you. In movies, we see people meet at work or on the train, in line at the grocery store, walking the dog, shopping, the list goes on. I think it would be great if Brodie would go all Marmaduke on me; drag me down the street, accurately locating a gorgeous 20-something, tangle us together 101 Dalmatians style, turning my story into a real life rom-com. Seeing as how that more than likely won't happen, I think perhaps I should put a little more effort into finding my own date.

Sure, I've been set up by friends and met guys at bars but nothing has seemed to pan out too well so far. My biggest problem seems to be that most of my friends all run in the same circle, so I don't have a ton of outside connections. I needed to expand my search categories to include more prospects. Besides just walking up to attractive strangers, which, let's face it, I'd never be brave enough to do, it was time to try out online dating.

From an outside perspective, I can see both immediate ups and downs to the world of online dating. There's the risk of meeting a total stranger, but that risk kind of goes for all first dates in general. A blind date is a blind date regardless if your friend swears he's suuuuuuuper nice or not. There's also the possibility that someone could misrepresent themselves in a profile. Personally, I feel like that would be a lot of wasted effort on any one's part... Ok, so sure, you convince me to go out with you, but when I get there and your stated 6'0" self is, in fact, 5'6", and your pictures were clearly taken several years ago in what must have been really good lighting, your second date shot is blown, so where is the advantage in lying right out of the gate? Both negatives were outweighed to me by the chance to meet men in the surrounding area that I might otherwise never run into.

Per my reasoning above, I'd convinced myself it was worth a shot and I signed up for Match. At first its overwhelming and kind of fun! Its like shopping, except for boys (its pretty much an online catalog for men.) You can do an advanced search and put in all sorts of information about what you want in your perfect match and then search through only the profiles who meet your exact criteria. Well, this I could handle. However, as I got to reading these Mr. Perfect profiles, they were anything but. 

Right off the bat, I have advice for my fellow online dating users.

1. Please please please use spell check. By about the fifth "typo" I'm done reading. You sound dumb.
2. If your only picture is a group shot of you and your fellow dude-bros, unless you intend on drawing in a large arrow pointing to yourself, pick another picture.
3. I'd prefer to not see a picture of you with some girl (or opposite for girls... dur). Who is this? Your ex-girlfriend? I'm not Southwest Airlines. I don't take baggage for free.
4. 

   Any email that starts with "How was your weekend?" comes off more like Joey Tribbiani's "How you doin'?" Insert a raised eyebrow, and then a large eye roll on my part.
5. Write enough in your profile so that a potential match might find something you have in common or interesting about you to discuss in an email.
6. Be honest. Have some close friends proof-read your profile for you, see if they think it accurately represents you.
7. Have confidence. You may not get replies back from everybody you had hoped, but obviously that means that they're not good enough for you and probably a little stuck up. Who wants that anyway?

I tried it for a while, went on lots of first dates, a few second dates, and ended up getting two relationships out of my time on Match. After a while though, it kind of seemed more like a local bar that you see the same people at, time in and time out. The entire experience was worth it for one legendary story.

The second first date I ever went on while using Match was with a police officer I will refer to as R. Shortly after joining Match, I received an email from R that caught me more than a little off guard. The way Match used to be set up, you selected preferences that you either liked or didn't like and it displayed them on your profile. R's email to me was written as if he was all of the things I didn't like, and accusing me of being biased against all of those things and would I never date anyone like him or even give him a shot because of those particular things? The further into the email I read, the more uncomfortable I got. Maybe I was being too harsh on people. And when would this email be over?

 At the very end, it was followed by a "Just kidding." ... the entire email was made up just to poke fun at my list of "don't likes." I laughed (albeit, uncomfortably) and decided he at least deserved a response for coming up with something definitely more original than my favorite, "How was your weekend?" After making me laugh several more times throughout our correspondence, I agreed to meet R for dinner the following week. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a sarcastic personality.

Seeing as how R's and my conversation started, I should have known that this was going to be a date to go down in history. I arrived at the steakhouse R had chosen and saw him waiting for me. After polite small talk while waiting for our table, we were seated and it all began to unravel quickly.

In order to explain this next dialogue, I'm creating a key so that you readers get an accurate visual image of how this date went. When you see a *bold* word, please insert air quotes around it. Like little Horned Frogs for my fellow TCUers, finger quotes, whatever you want to call them. Anything in italics means that I'm thinking this to myself, not actually said out loud. Here we go.

R: "So, you like to *play* golf?"

Me: I'm confused, is he implying that I don't really like to play golf?

       "I do. I play with my dad a lot of weekends."

R: "Well that's fun, what else do you *like* to do?"

Me: Still confused
       "Well, I love to go see my family in Colorado and go skiing in the winter."

R: "Are you a good *skier*?"

Me: What is up with the air quotes?

       "I guess so, yeah, my Grand-daddy taught me to ski when I was three, so I've skied my whole life."

R: "Does your whole family *ski*?"

Me: Maybe this is like a nervous tick or something

       "Yes, we all do, although my sister-in-law snowboards, not skis."

R: "That sounds fun. Do you *go* every year?"

Me: What if I just reach across the table and bat his hands out of the air next time?

        "Yes, we try to."

R: "Well I can't play golf or ski. Have you ever *tried* frisbee golf?"

Me: I need a flight attendant. Where is my nearest exit?

       "No I haven't."

Within 20 minutes, I'm pretty positive I had developed an eye twitch. Every time he raised his hands off the table I flinched a little, bracing myself for the continued excessive misuse of air quotes. After an hour, I practically sprinted to my car. It was one of the most painful (and hilarious, after the eye twitch had subsided) first dates I have ever been on.

If you're still thinking about maybe trying out online dating, I say go for it. Keep an open mind and take it at face value, an introduction to all sorts of people you wouldn't have otherwise met. Even if you don't find exactly what you're looking for, at the very least, it'll help you know what you DON'T want in a future partner. For me, that would be excessive air quoters. Can't do it. My eye just started twitching again thinking about it.