How To: Avoid a Beer Gut

So as I sit here and rack my brain for ideas for this week’s topic, I keep coming back to the same thought: I could really use a glass of wine. Yes, I realize that has zero to do with writing my blog, but its how I feel.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

Here’s the biggest problem with January. We just finished up with the holidays. Now it’s back to the daily grind at work with no foreseeable vacation anytime soon. And probably like lots of you, I decided to try to start the new year on a new, healthier foot. I’m trying to be good. So how to be good and still be able to have a drink?

This was a topic that I had to research. I’ve always heard about the legendary “diet” drinks – but are they really? I wanted to find this out on my own. So I went to Google – I like their Chinese New Year design today! – and searched “low calorie alcoholic drinks”. Up popped a link for FatLossSchool.com about exactly what I’d searched for. I started reading and got a little side tracked by this:

How vigorously must you be licking envelopes to think you’re burning calories? Are you licking envelopes instead of eating? Then maybe you’re burning calories. Other than that, I’m pretty positive the answer is something about the same as your metabolic resting rate. So take a nap. Find some tape. Nix the envelope licking, and definitely don’t count on it to burn you some extra calories.

Okay, so we all know I had to click the link. Apparently you burn 0.17 calories per lick. Clearly you are done with your workout regime for the day now.

Now, back to the topic at hand. I looked around several different websites and ended up putting together the following handy-dandy chart for you.

If you’re anything like me, seeing a Long Island Iced Tea weighing in at a whopping 780 calories made your eyes go all bulge-y. Good news about that though is that there’s so much dang alcohol in each one you probably won’t have very many. Or if you do, you don’t remember having very many, hence guilty conscience about your diet goes out the window. But that's not the point.

On top of all of these stats to the right, you have to remember that mixers have calories too. Cranberry juice for us girly-drink drinkers adds an additional 137 calories. Yikes.

The biggest problem is that alcohol has absolutely zero nutritional value. You can argue all you want about the health benefits of a glass of wine and how its good for your heart, but really you're not HURTING yourself by opting out of alcohol either.

So before this gets all preachy, lets figure out how to still get drunk without showing just how much we like to pretend we're still in college around our waistline.

1. The key, of course, is moderation. A beer isn't that bad, but it turns into trouble when you have 4. All of the sudden you just shelled out 800 calories for nothing except a good buzz.
2. Think before you drink. If you're having a cocktail at home, there are tons of recipes online for diet versions of drinks - most include adding some club soda to the mix. Makes your drink a little larger without adding many calories. And it sounds so snooty to say you're having a Spritzer.
3. Nix the wine with big steak, pasta. or other high calorie meals. Your food will give you plenty to please those taste buds with without adding a few hundred extra calories.
4. If you're having wine or beer with dinner, make sure you order a water, too. You'll end up drinking less alcohol if you're not going to it after each bite.
5. Figure out what's worth the calories. Walking a mile burns between 90 and 120 calories, so about a glass of something small. You ready to walk the extra mile? If so, feel free to have that drink.
6. If you just have to have a mixer with your drink, ask for diet instead of regular Coke. Its the alcohol we're going for here, and it drops each drink about 50 calories.
7. You're an Almost Adult. Make a good decision based on your own dietary goals and ambitions. Now at least you know some facts to base those decisions off of.

I'm off to go lick some envelopes. I've got an extra 1.36 calories I need to burn off today.

How To: Cook for One

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

I never really had anyone teach me how to cook. I was in high school and home alone one night when the sudden urge to be domestic hit me. I went to the grocery store and somehow arrived on making eggrolls from scratch. You know me, always diving head first into the deep end. My mom came home later that night, found me standing in the kitchen with a rather successful batch of eggrolls that I was pretty proud of. She just stared at me as if contemplating if she brought the wrong baby home from the hospital all those years ago. My mom's favorite part of the kitchen is the takeout menu drawer.

One of my biggest struggles with budgeting (and believe me, that's really saying something since I have a lot of struggles with budgeting to pick from) is that I spend too much on food. Its not that I eat out too much, although I do that too probably, but that I end up wasting money at the grocery store.

Even when I do go to the grocery store and decide to attempt to cook for myself, I am in a constant battle with expiration dates. Fresh produce? I don't stand a chance. Milk? Ugh.

Have you ever had milk the day after the date? Scares the heck out of you, doesn't it? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl. "It's after the day! I'm taking a big chance! I smelled it, you smelled it, what is it supposed to smell like? It smelled like milk to me." (Go ahead and watch the rest of the Seinfeld bit that this quote comes from to make your day a little better.)

Being the only one in my house, I can't possibly eat or drink all of the fresh items I purchase before they go bad. I've even stooped as low as looking up what kinds of produce dogs can eat to help me get rid of stuff... Brodie loves carrots and bananas. I know. He's weird. 

So here I am, standing in the produce section, rolling my cantaloupe down the aisle per Jerry's advice, (it's fading left, its not ripe yet) trying to come up with a way to not go broke. I'm a few seconds short of a Steve Martin, Father of the Bride-type melt down, ripping out superfluous hot dog buns from the entirely too large pack, and scrambling for ideas to avoid eating leftovers for a week after every time I cook at home. How do we solve the expiration date dilemma without returning to our never-expired college staples of Ramen, Spaghetti-Os, and Kraft Mac & Cheese?

1. Roughly plan out your meals ahead of time so that you know what you need before you go. Walking aimlessly through the grocery store is half the battle.
2. Think about items you can use for more than one meal. Going to buy ground beef? Well, lets have both tacos AND spaghetti this week then. Brown all of the meat at once and your second meal will be super quick.
3. If you know that you're going to be making something that makes too much food and aren't super excited about leftovers, invite a friend over and have them bring some of the ingredients. Split the meal and have some company at the same time.
4. Consider going to a farmer's market for produce. Not only will you get locally grown fresh produce, but they offer it in smaller quantities than the giant bag of grapes at the grocery store meant for 12 instead of 1.
5. Pack your lunches, or at the very least, snacks for work ahead of time so that you know what you're going to use before you start eating out.
6. When you do have leftovers, separate them into single servings so that they're easy to grab and go - you'll end up eating better portion sizes and are more likely to grab them if its fast and you don't have to think about it.
7. MOST IMPORTANTLY - don't go to the grocery store hungry. You'll end up buying everything that sounds good right then and there and wind up with entirely too many groceries when you get home.

Worst comes to worst, frozen pizzas and Kraft Mac & Cheese are still acceptable. And so delicious.

How To: Survive the Holidays

The Holidays are here! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, whether you're ready or not. By the time you'll be reading this, I'll more than likely be on a plane on my way home, snuggled in and ready for my usual horrific turbulence while landing in Denver. I invite you to sit back, relax, and start your holiday weekend off right by laughing at my family's best ever Thanksgiving story.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

It was 1997 and my family was living in Cooper City, Florida, a suburb of Fort Lauderdale. We had just moved to Florida that summer before and were ready to celebrate our first ever Floridian holiday season. Seeing as we hardly knew anyone in South Florida and the rest of our relatives were in the Midwest, my maternal grandparents decided they would come and visit us for Thanksgiving to keep us company.

Our house was strangely one of the only two story houses in our neighborhood. The downstairs featured extremely high ceilings (about 12 feet) and was comprised of the family room, dining room, kitchen, and then there was an "outdoor room" that was a screened in pool/patio under an overhang. I know, you're sitting here saying, "Okay, Aimee, I'm done reading, you've lost your touch. Why on earth do I care about the layout of your house?" Trust me, its important.

Thanksgiving morning looked like a pretty typical day in any American house. My mom and my Grandmother were in the kitchen making side dishes and desserts while my dad and Grand-daddy were left in charge of the meat.

My dad, ever the adventurous type, decided that he was tired of waiting 128745 hours for a turkey to cook in the oven, so he was going to try something new this year. He was going to smoke the turkey. On the grill. (Go ahead, shake your head, cover your eyes, you can see where this is going.)

My brother and I were contently sitting in the family room doing what 11 and 14 year old kids did best in 1997... playing the new Goldeneye 007 for N64. I had this addiction to using the rocket launcher at all times, making my kill count awesome. Except I died every time as well. And lost. Repeatedly. But that's beside the point. Our central location gave us the perfect view of both the kitchen and the grill out on the patio to witness what happened next.

While chatting with Grand-daddy, my mom went out to the grill to check the temperature of the turkey. When she opened the lid, it wasn't just her eyebrows that hit the roof. Flames shot up and hit the ceiling as if a special effect in our 007 game. My mom was just standing there with her bangs and eyebrows about to be singed off, staring wide-eyed at the grill and trying to figure out how to get these massive flames out. Grand-daddy, ever the calm one, walked up to my mom and said these three epic words.

"Close the lid."

Everyone gawked as my mom slowly grabbed the lid to the grill and closed it back over the turkey, thus putting out the flames. Grand-daddy came and turned down the grill, and then removed the turkey. Please imagine Eric and I sitting in the family room, controllers in hand, jaws on the floor, as we're noticing the scorch marks on the ceiling of our back porch, providing evidence, that yes, we just saw 8 foot flames coming off our dinner.

Surely our dinner was doomed, but something like a little charred skin wasn't about to stop my dad and Grand-daddy from providing for their family. They carved and carved and carved that turkey until they removed all of the burnt part and everyone got a little bit of turkey for dinner that night. Thanksgiving had been saved. Funny part is, I'm pretty positive they spent more time carving that dang turkey than it would have taken to just bake it in the oven.

Those scorch marks were still on the ceiling above the grill when we moved out of that house three years later and headed for Indiana. I hope the people who moved in after us made up some kind of good story as to how they got there.

My family still uses the phrase "Close the lid." for any kind of stressful situation. Don't know what to do? Close the lid. Kill the flames. End it.

Are you prepared to handle holiday stress? Mishaps is here to help!

1. Need to travel to see your family like me? Check out How To: Take a Trip with Frugal for some budget travel tips!
2. Tired of your relatives asking you "So what are you doing these days?" Read How To: Walk Uphill Both Ways for advice on readjusting your life plan.
3. Ready to watch football all day? Don't know the first thing about sports? Fake it with How To: Take or Fake an Interest in Sports.
4. Are you the only single one in your family? Change that with How To: Find 50 First Dates. Or at least laugh hysterically at my horrible date story to make yourself feel a little better.
5. Pants don't fit after you ate all of that non-burnt turkey? Get some dieting tips with How To: Move On from Ramen.
6. Need some new things to talk about with your parents other than the weather? Read How To: Have an Adult Relationship with your Parents.
7. If all else fails, close the lid.

My dad said he's going to smoke the turkey this year... Here's hoping he was kidding.

How To: Move On from Ramen

One of the best parts of this time of year is the food that comes with November and December. Pumpkin Spiced lattes, hot chocolate, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas cookies. Yum. My family has coined the phrase "Turkey Pants" for a pair of pants that are a size too large and have a bit of "give" to them. These are the pants you don on Thanksgiving day and generally throughout the Christmas season to allow for all of that extra deliciousness.

A spare tire or a muffin top is not on your Christmas wish list this year? Me either.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

I'm saying this right now - I LOVE FOOD. I love cooking it, I love the smell of it, and I love to eat it. Its a necessity for me.  (Duh.) There are few things I love more than going to dinner with friends or family and talking over a nice glass of whatever and a good meal. Heck, I'm even okay with a paper cup filled with Diet Coke and a Chipotle burrito bowl. Whether or not food loves me back is a completely different story.

Before our Almost Adult days, our first experience with making nutritional choices all by our lonesome was with a pre-paid cafeteria meal plan and all-you-can-eat buffet. Talk about setting us up for failure. 

After graduation, sure, the free buffet is taken away, but then presents the temptation of fast food. Almost Adult life is hectic - I don't have the time or energy to cook a meal every night. Plus, it’s FAST, and more importantly, CHEAP. That's the point, isn't it?

For those of us who have less-than-ideal salaries and jobs that require you to sit in a cube for eight hours a day, the now-sedentary lifestyle change doesn’t help our physique much either. On top of that, going out to lunch every day with your coworkers allows for an escape from the daily grind for an hour.

Now that we're older, wiser, and almost adults, are we just supposed to know how to eat healthier? As Jerry Seinfeld so eloquently put it, "Food is so complicated as an adult. You see people in the supermarket just sweating it out. Nobody knows, "What do I eat? The proteins? The carbs? The fat content? We're just walking up to each other: 'You look good. What do you eat? Maybe I'll eat that.'"

Lots of magazines are chock full of ideas about fat-busting moves and calorie-dropping recipes, but it never really makes you look like the airbrushed chick in those ridiculous poses. Society loads our plates with fad diets, Cook Ourselves Thin cookbooks, and “skinny” drinks and shakes, but at the end of the day how do you decide to eat this, not that?

1. The first and easiest thing you can do to be a little healthier is drink more water. It’s dumb, but it works. Doctors recommend at least 8 glasses of water a day, which is 64 ounces. Depending on where you get your health advice from, some may say as much as half of your body weight (so if you weigh 160, that’s 80 ounces.) Cut up some lemons or limes to break up that much water a day if you need to.
2. Check your food labels. Yes, you can look at the carbs you’re eating or the fat content, but make sure you always check the sodium levels, too. Based on a 2,000 calorie diet, you should be having about 2,400 mg of sodium a day. Although sodium isn’t a deal breaker and comes in a lot of processed foods (especially fast food), it does cause bloating and water retention – ew.
3. Pack your lunch ahead of time. Not only will you save money from not eating out as often, but you’re more likely to be determined to eat better portion sizes when you plan ahead than you are when you get to wherever you’re going to eat and you’re already starving.
4. Eat breakfast. You’re less likely to eat more throughout the day if you don’t start your day hungry.
5. Don’t deprive yourself of any particular food category – just concentrate on eating more fruits, veggies and proteins than you do carbs, dairy or sweets. No one wants to end up sitting on the counter with a crazed look in your eye as you end up downing the entire sleeve of Oreo's instead of just two or three.
6. Cut back your alcohol intake during the week. If you come home from work, eat some dinner, drink a glass of wine or beer, and then sit on the couch for the rest of the night, you’re doing double damage to your body. Not only are you drinking calories, but you’re slowing your metabolism at the same time.
7. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t replace your crappy dieting routine with a new super-strict one. Instead, concentrate on thinking about what you’re eating and enjoying the food you choose. After all, you’re an almost adult. Time to start eating like one.