How To: Decorate with Crappy Taxidermy

You don't. That's how.

After my status update this weekend about the Misadventures of House Hunting, I was asked by several of my friends to impart my House Hunting wisdom into a funny recollection of the houses I’ve seen.

You know those wooden roller coasters at amusement parks that always look so fun? Who wouldn’t want to go on one?! And then you get on, are jerked around, crack your neck way too many times to be safe and get off super glad that we live in the 21st century and we now have big, smooth steel roller coasters. That’s how I feel about house hunting.

As you might have guessed by now, the offer I had put in last week fell through. It stunk. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being super excited about a house, freaking out over your offer, and then completely crushed when it doesn’t work out. I exited my ramp from the metaphorical wooden roller coaster, and all of the sudden it seemed like maybe not just my symbolic neck was hurting, but my love of figurative roller coasters had died down a little.

After downing a large fat-free vanilla yogurt with non-fat-free Reese’s cups on it, I decided it was time to get back on the House Hunting bandwagon. Ever the optimist, I picked out 5 new homes to see this past Saturday. Noon rolled around and I was feeling good about it. This was going to be fun. I love houses. I was going to find something better than the House One anyways. House One smoked and let’s face it, smoking is a deal breaker for me. Its cute face and Old Soul personality had caused a momentary lapse of judgment, but I knew I could do better.

As a friend of mine told me, finding a house is a lot like love. You’ll know when you’ve found the right one… Funny. Both of us are single. And he doesn’t have a house either.

Here were the Bachelor House contestants:

House Number One: The Metro in need of a Sugar Mama. No.

House Number Two: The Smoker. Nuh uh.

House Number Three: The Frump. Don’t think so.

House Number Four: The Bad Boy. Not a chance.

House Number Five: The Hippie. Complete with compost pile, “eclectic” style, a VW bus, two cats, a dog, and two beautifully taxidermied pigeons on the mantle… NOPE! No! Definitely not.

These were my options?! I’d rather be single home-less. I, of course, realize that I failed you all by not taking a picture of said Taxidermied Pigeons, so I googled Taxidermied Pigeons instead and found this gem, which is actually about 10 times funnier than the original pigeons that caused this post. And yes, it was listed under a thread with the subject "Crappy Taxidermy." He looks so in his element. I think I'll call him Leon. He looks like a Leon.

Is being a homeowner on your ... List? Follow these tips to narrow your search.

1. Location, Location, Location. Drive around neighborhoods and figure out where you see yourself living before you even start looking at real estate.
2. Creep on Potential Neighbors. Look at the cars in the driveways, the condition of the houses, the cleanliness of the homes. Will you fit in here?
3. Get Out of Jail Free. Check out local crime rates in the area by searching the address on Trulia and clicking the "crime" tab on the map. Green means Go.
4. Death and Taxes. (bad joke. sorry.) Taxes (especially in Texas) can be A LOT in addition to your mortgage costs. Check the local property tax rates and calculate that into your budget for housing.
5. Check Yourself. Find a mortgage calculator online and figure out how much you think you can afford each month. Especially for first time home buyers, always play it safe.
6. Do Your Homework. If you're looking into getting an FHA loan or any other type of loan with a small downpayment, check the requirements for those loans. Often times they are strict and you'll need to be watching for the things that would nix a house as a potential candidate in their eyes. Also, be sure to fill your realtor in on any kind of loan stipulations you're intending on getting.
7. Follow Your Heart. You'll know when its right. Try to think like an Adult. You're almost one. You'll be fiiiiiiiiiine. In the meantime, if you need a panic attack buddy, well, I'm right here.

The ending of my Bachelor House search is still To Be Continued.


UPDATE!
Mishaps of an Almost Adult's Headquarters is relocating! I am now under contract with the cutest, sweetest house in all of Dallas. Pictures and more posts to come after my closing date! YAY!