How To: Avoid a Beer Gut

So as I sit here and rack my brain for ideas for this week’s topic, I keep coming back to the same thought: I could really use a glass of wine. Yes, I realize that has zero to do with writing my blog, but its how I feel.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

Here’s the biggest problem with January. We just finished up with the holidays. Now it’s back to the daily grind at work with no foreseeable vacation anytime soon. And probably like lots of you, I decided to try to start the new year on a new, healthier foot. I’m trying to be good. So how to be good and still be able to have a drink?

This was a topic that I had to research. I’ve always heard about the legendary “diet” drinks – but are they really? I wanted to find this out on my own. So I went to Google – I like their Chinese New Year design today! – and searched “low calorie alcoholic drinks”. Up popped a link for FatLossSchool.com about exactly what I’d searched for. I started reading and got a little side tracked by this:

How vigorously must you be licking envelopes to think you’re burning calories? Are you licking envelopes instead of eating? Then maybe you’re burning calories. Other than that, I’m pretty positive the answer is something about the same as your metabolic resting rate. So take a nap. Find some tape. Nix the envelope licking, and definitely don’t count on it to burn you some extra calories.

Okay, so we all know I had to click the link. Apparently you burn 0.17 calories per lick. Clearly you are done with your workout regime for the day now.

Now, back to the topic at hand. I looked around several different websites and ended up putting together the following handy-dandy chart for you.

If you’re anything like me, seeing a Long Island Iced Tea weighing in at a whopping 780 calories made your eyes go all bulge-y. Good news about that though is that there’s so much dang alcohol in each one you probably won’t have very many. Or if you do, you don’t remember having very many, hence guilty conscience about your diet goes out the window. But that's not the point.

On top of all of these stats to the right, you have to remember that mixers have calories too. Cranberry juice for us girly-drink drinkers adds an additional 137 calories. Yikes.

The biggest problem is that alcohol has absolutely zero nutritional value. You can argue all you want about the health benefits of a glass of wine and how its good for your heart, but really you're not HURTING yourself by opting out of alcohol either.

So before this gets all preachy, lets figure out how to still get drunk without showing just how much we like to pretend we're still in college around our waistline.

1. The key, of course, is moderation. A beer isn't that bad, but it turns into trouble when you have 4. All of the sudden you just shelled out 800 calories for nothing except a good buzz.
2. Think before you drink. If you're having a cocktail at home, there are tons of recipes online for diet versions of drinks - most include adding some club soda to the mix. Makes your drink a little larger without adding many calories. And it sounds so snooty to say you're having a Spritzer.
3. Nix the wine with big steak, pasta. or other high calorie meals. Your food will give you plenty to please those taste buds with without adding a few hundred extra calories.
4. If you're having wine or beer with dinner, make sure you order a water, too. You'll end up drinking less alcohol if you're not going to it after each bite.
5. Figure out what's worth the calories. Walking a mile burns between 90 and 120 calories, so about a glass of something small. You ready to walk the extra mile? If so, feel free to have that drink.
6. If you just have to have a mixer with your drink, ask for diet instead of regular Coke. Its the alcohol we're going for here, and it drops each drink about 50 calories.
7. You're an Almost Adult. Make a good decision based on your own dietary goals and ambitions. Now at least you know some facts to base those decisions off of.

I'm off to go lick some envelopes. I've got an extra 1.36 calories I need to burn off today.

How To: Get an Office Attire A+

Okay so today’s article has been an ongoing topic in my head for a long time. This entire entry needs to be taken with a big ol’ grain of salt, maybe a slice of lime and a shot of tequila. I am expressing my opinion by being sarcastic and exaggerating to make a point. If you work with me currently or have in the past, please do not assume that anything I say is in reference to you, but has been collected over time and people watching while on lunch breaks, rather than solely taken from my office. On that note…

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

There is just about nothing I love more than a good people watching session. I have come to the conclusion that the food court attached to the building I work in is one of my favorite spots to sit for an hour and allow my staring problem to be at full capacity. 

You’d think that working in a downtown office, you’d be surrounded by people in suits, skirts, dresses, etc… Turns out the term “business casual” is all casual, no business. 

No story needed. Lets just cut to the chase. As long as you keep these following rules in mind, you should earn at least a passing grade in Office Attire: 

1. There’s no such thing as “Bootylicious Business.” I’m all for figure-flattering outfits, but if you could wear it to The Club, its not appropriate for The Office. Leave those neon pink stilettos in your closet, or better yet, the store you originally saw them in. 
2. If your animal print might cause you to be confused with the actual animal… Do I really need to finish this rule? Mysterious Zebra Lady in the Kentucky Fried Chicken line, I apologize for being such a creeper. I can't tell whether her outfit is blurry from the amount of stripes or how hard i was shaking trying not to laugh out loud while taking this picture.
3. Just because your shirt has buttons down the front does not qualify it as a Button Down. Any appearance of “stressed” fabric or your preference for Saturday morning cartoons cancels out qualifications that those buttons might have given that shirt. 
4. This one’s for the boys. As my friend Brian would say: Short Sleeve Button Down = Short Career. Or at least nixes any chance of a door to your office in your future. Yay cubes! 
5. There’s a difference between thrift shopping and what you could have worn to an 80’s themed frat party in college. Better yet, if you could apply it to any themed party, it’s probably not a good option for work. 
6. Just because your pants are black doesn’t mean they’re business slacks. Hey hey, I rhymed! But seriously. The amount of Spandex in pants directly correlates to how business appropriate they are. Not all black pants are slimming. 
7. And now. The grand finale of office wear no-heck-no’s, Jeans Casual Friday. Ripped, shredded, destroyed, tattered, or altogether holey; No. Fuzzy, furry, fringey, almost-chaps; Heck no. If you’re wondering how any of those last adjectives apply to jeans, trust me. You’re better off not knowing. 

If after reading these rules you are questioning previous wardrobe choices you might have made, use the Refrigerator Rule. 

When In Doubt, Throw It Out. 

Feel free to glance to your left and right to check out your coworker’s outfits today. I apologize if they’re staring at you weird due to the look on your face as you’re trying not to laugh out loud.

How To: Practice Safe Stress

I giggled to myself over that title. Turns out theres actually a book called "Practice Safe Stress: Healing & Laughing in the Face of Stress." (I googled it.) Glad I'm not the only one who enjoys a good old fashioned middle-school-maturity-level play on words.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

Ohhhh, stress. Makes my eye twitch a little just looking at the word. Remember in college when we thought we were so good at time management? Life was full of stressful situations: how to get to class, get homework done, make it to your sorority meetings, work out, and all in time to be ready to go to whatever party you wanted. I was a master at multi-tasking. You frequently found me reading a text book while on the stationary bike, cycling away. I’ve always been a fan of the “twofer.”

Picture me late last week as I suddenly found myself with entirely too much on my plate. I would have been knee-deep in laundry from my trip home except that I hadn’t even opened my suitcase other than to take my makeup out. I could barely see my kitchen counter from the amount of mail and clutter that had accumulated. Brodie was whining at me for attention and wondering why his toys were all buried under who knows what. And there I sat, pouring over my computer, trying to meet entirely too many deadlines all at once and ready to rip my hair out.

I looked down at Brodie, told him to stop whining, and that we needed to have a serious talk. It was time for him to start pulling his weight around here. No more of this “free” business, just taking advantage of all that I give him. I was tired of hearing about his lack of opposable thumbs making life difficult for him. It was time to either start using that cute face of his to make some money or learn to do chores around the house. I said to him, “Don't worry, I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do, which is, you know, FLIP OUT!”

And then I realized I was talking to my dog.

This situation had become far worse than I’d previously realized.

Now that we’re Almost Adults, the importance of time management is taken to an entirely different level. I’ve got to be able to have my $*!+ together enough every morning to get myself to work looking semi-presentable. Unlike class, work isn’t optional. As much as I’d love to be able to roll out of bed, throw on a baseball hat over my messy hair and walk out the door in clothes suitable for my gym plans after, that isn’t a feasible option anymore. Oh how I miss being in college and my under-employed days. But then I remember that I like things that my job can buy me – like food.

All of us have been put into Adult-ish stressful situations, whether its office politics, money issues, employment drama, relationship trouble, or whatever rides your case. So how do we cope sans temper tantrum meltdown?

1.  Take a deep breath. I feel so wise when I say, “This, too, shall pass.”
2. Prioritize. Figure out what’s most important and get it done first.
3. Allow yourself a break. Let off some steam, whether its watching a TV show, running, cooking, reading a book, or getting college-drunk, I don’t care. Just relax for a few.
4.  Vent. Talk to your friends and warn them that you need to vent. Write it down if that works for you. Get it out and then let it go.
5.  Be rational. It’s probably not as bad as you think. Worrying never fixed a single problem.
6.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Pride tends to be one massive roadblock for me and its dumb. Be like my dad; refer to it as “delegating” rather than asking for help. He’s a big fan of delegating.
7. Laugh at yourself. A good sense of humor will get you through almost anything. Some of my funniest moments happen when I’m about to snap. My delirious crazy laugh turns into an actual side splitting laugh, and voila. Not so stressed.

If you hear odd, semi-crazed hysterical laughter, its probably just me holding my hand over my eye to get it to stop twitching. Don't worry. I'll probably be fine.

How To: Make your Resolutions Resolute

Welcome to the first post of 2012! This is going to be the year of Mishaps! And I don’t mean that to say that I fully intend on making tons of mistakes throughout the year, although that’s bound to happen anyway and makes for better stories. This year, Mishaps of an Almost Adult is going to grow and become a world-wide phenomenon! Or so I’d like to hope.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an expert on any topic I choose to write about from here on out, but maybe the things that I've gone through or are going through currently relate to you and can help you in some way. At the very least, you can laugh at/with me, remembering that one time that maybe you too felt like a complete moron, as I go through the many Mishaps of an Almost Adult.

One of the hardest parts for me about being an Almost Adult was switching from having a set-in-stone goal to kind of flying by the seat of my pants. Our whole lives, we were working towards something extremely specific. Graduating from high school turned into getting into college. Getting into college turned into graduating from college. Graduating from college turned into getting a job. Getting a job turned into… um, what am I supposed to do next? Retire?

So now I have the next 40 years of my life to plan in between. I can’t exactly plan on getting married or settling down considering that I haven’t met anyone worthy of marrying or settling down yet, so that’s a little tricky to put a timeline on.

I can’t plan on getting a better job. What counts as better? More money? I think better would be writing my blog full-time, so if you feel like paying me more than what I make now to write on here and make you laugh, I love you! Thank you! I’m eagerly awaiting my first check.

What do we do in the meantime? Life without goals is kind of a little aimless. I just Googled “quotes about goals” because my current goal is to inspire you to set goals for yourself in order to fulfill my goal of helping to make you happier and wiser Almost Adults.

My favorite quote I did find was one by Charles C. Noble (that sounds like a solid name that I’m willing to take advice from – although I had to Google “Who is Charles C. Noble?” to make sure I wasn’t giving you advice from some mass murderer who once said something wonderful. Don’t worry. He was a relatively-sane, non-murdering author). He said, “You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short term failures."

As I was reading through all of the wisdomnosity of successful people that end up being quoted on sites that pull up when you Google “quotes about goals,” I noticed a lot of the same words throughout all of the quotes. Control. Plan. Current. Future. Aim. Short-term. Long-term. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have control over your life by planning for not only your current situation, but your future? Aim for not only the short-term goals you could easily set and conquer, but the long-term ones as well.

So here’s my advice on making your 2012 New Years Resolutions good ones:

1. As Yogi Berra said, “If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” Look at all of my good quotes today. Thank goodness I found that quote website.
2. Thing big. Pick something you’re really willing to work towards. Don’t just think on the small scale like “drink more water,” but consider your life as a whole, rather than just right now.
3. Make yourself accountable. Write your goal down someplace where you see it on a regular basis. Tell your friends you talk to most about it and have them check up on you. Are you working to obtain it?
4. If you fall off track, well, get back on. There’s no excuse for giving up on a goal. They’ll still be there waiting for you to pick them back up, no matter how side tracked you got. How reliable and loyal of them.
5. Part of having a long-term goal is setting short-term goals that end up with you meeting your long-term goal. Set up a strategy for how you’re going to make it work.
6. Start today. Not tomorrow. Not next year. Change is way less scary and terrible when you’re the one in control.
7. The best and worst thing about personal goals are that they are just that; personal. Its you that’s in control here. When it all boils down, you’re the one who can make or break those dreams, so dream big. Make it happen.

I’m still waiting on my first check to arrive in the mail towards me writing full time. I guess I can keep dreaming, right?